Life is generally full of ups and downs. Some days you wake up feeling like a rockstar, and some days you just don’t want to wake up. Some days you can finish everything on your to-do list, while on others you’re sitting on one task for hours. Some days you can socialise with ease, and on others you just want to lock yourself up and not talk to anyone. It’s a constant fluctuation.

And yet, there are some whom are simply their best every single day. There are some who can continuously give their 100% in everything they do. These guys are of course an exception right? Of course, we know that if we are in the right state of mind and “in the zone”, we could probably do the same or even better.  But we don’t. Not because we are not in the right state of mind, but we are never in the right state of mind.

This state of mind can be affected by a multitude of factors, many of which are often not within one’s control. It could be the bad food you ate for dinner that’s causing your stomach to be upset on the morning of an important presentation. Or it could be that one of your close friends is migrating that is causing you to be worried on the day of your final exam. Maybe its just that the weather is too cozy, and your mind is a little hazy.  Many factors can affect the state of mind, and we simply cannot find the root of the problem in most of these cases.

However, when we constantly feel like one thing or another leads to us not being able to give a 100% in what we do, it becomes a question of can we ever really give a 100%? Is that perfect state of mind ever achievable? Or do some just have the ability to switch on this perfect state whenever required?

The truth is, nobody is ever in a perfect state of mind.

We are all human, mere mortals limited to the constraints and abilities of our human body and functions. We all possess similar neural capabilities, admittedly some more superior than the others, and similar physical capabilities. What is it then, that makes this handful of people constantly motivated, constantly enthusiastic and constantly performing?

A constant.

In the constant fluctuations of our lives, everything is prone to constant change. The physical world is perpetually transforming. People change. Relationships change. Places change. Even the entire planet changes. However, we humans hate change. We fucking hate it.

That’s why we try to find a constant in wealth, money, cars, bags, shoes and objects that we can call our own. The bigger the possession the better. Some try to find a constant in people; family or friends. The “Best Friend Forever” terminology, in my opinion, was born out of the innate need to have such a person as a constant in one’s life. Romantic relationships can also get very intimate and unhealthy when one attaches himself or herself completely to the partner, hoping for the other person to be a constant in their lives. Places are also often constants in people’s lives. We fear migrating and living the nomadic lifestyle, only because we fear the changes that might happen when we leave our home. “Home” itself is only a home when one attaches himself to the place, making it a constant. We constantly find constants in material possession, places and people, making them the reality that define our day to day lives.

One little thing out of place frustrates us beyond comprehension. When your laptop crashes, it becomes the end of the world. When your phone is lost, what is life anymore. It does not stop at material possessions. Cities get reconstructed. Natural disasters destroy hundreds of homes. More importantly, people change. Friends might forget you. Lovers might leave you. Family might cease to exist. After all, we are mere mortals.

In reality, nothing that we see as a constant is truly a constant. Nothing at all. Null.

Then what is truly the constant?

I would say God. However my faith in a God has only recently been sparked, so such a claim would not be faithful to my own beliefs. I shall call it the light. A single non-material “concept” that every person has within themselves. This light can be in the form of a God, or a personal God. It could be a philosophy, or a philosopher. It could be a motto, or a phrase out of a Star Wars movie. It could be a person who means the world to you, the idea of the person. But most importantly, it needs to completely resonate with your heart and soul. It needs to encapsulate your entire life purpose. Even if it is for the time being. It needs to serve as the constant that you wake up to, and go back to sleep with. It needs to become a routine. A discipline.

And finding such a constant is the greatest struggle. For all these material, physical constants can diminish over time. But such a constant will remain a true constant. So search for it. Keep searching if you have not found it. But once you find it, cherish it. Live by it every single day. Meditate on it in your free time. Get disciplined to live by it. For this constant is the one thing that will be able to align your thoughts and actions in the right direction. It will be the sole motivator in the darkest of times, and the extra boost that is gonna give you the 100% that you need in your day to day lives.

Keep searching, keep glitching.

The Art of War is a medieval Chinese military manuscript by Sun Tzu, on the strategies and techniques of winning wars. It goes into the nuances of interpersonal relationships, diplomatic negotiations, psychological readiness and many of the more subtle elements of fighting a war. The lessons and strategies taught by Sun Tzu have been applied up till modern military operations, and even business negotiations.

 “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.” 

― Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Winning a war is nothing like winning a battle. Winning a war takes strategising. Winning some and losing some. Re-strategising based on the wins and losses. Fighting again. Winning some and losing some. It is a continuous process of evaluation and execution, as plans have to constantly change and adapt according to the outcome on the battlefield. There is no such thing as a single winning strategy. Politics come into play. Intelligence comes into play. Interpersonal relationships with the soldiers come into play. Every element adds or takes away from the chances of winning the battles, and eventually the war.

Winning the war, however, is not a aggregate sum of all battles won. It is hardly ever the case. One can be losing majority of the battles at hand, and eventually win the war on a strategic move. Winning wars requires a whole different mindset. It takes analysis of information, situational awareness and appropriate strategy and execution. It is not always about having the best technology and weapons. It is rarely just the sheer size of the army. The Art of War is more subtle than that.

“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.”

I have always avoided engaging in conflict, simply to avoid fighting. I stood by peaceful relationships with everyone, friendly negotiations and mutual agreements. Never forming enemies and never engaging in conflict for anything. Never ever meddling with politics. Be it in academic projects or professional environments, I trusted good intentions in everyone and everything, blindly believing that good intentions will return good results. If I do my part, I will receive what I deserve. A basic system of reciprocity that I believed the world to operate on. I’ve never been keen on politics, strategies and manipulation. I find it moderately disturbing at a core level, to conceive plans which knowingly can negatively affect others. I believed in doing no harm unto others, even those whom are not too kind to me. I saw myself as being the bigger person if a conflict arises, taking upon myself the negative outcomes of the situation, and empathising with the opposite party. Most of the time, never even addressing an unhappiness or disagreement, simply in order to avoid conflicts which might blow up an otherwise friendly relationship. In this sense, I was always the chill guy.

However, life is far from chill. It is a fucking war.

If you are not fighting the war, you are losing. And as long as you are losing, someone else whom does not have the same good intentions and good heart is winning. Some fucking Donald Trump is going to end up becoming a President just because the fucker is good at meddling in politics, strategies and manipulation.

He knows damn well how to make people listen to him, believe in him and vote for him. And at the core he might have no substance at all, but he is fighting the war with a strategy that no other good man has pulled off. And these fuckers are everywhere. In the corporations and banks that handle your money, to the governments and leaders that define your state of existence. Majority of them are simply in it for the wealth and power, with no real intention of contributing to any form of good to the society. However, it is indeed these fuckers whom are in positions of power and influence, simply because they played the right cards, the right people and the right strategies at the right time. It’s simply politics.

Politics is not a bad thing, I realise. Politics is the synergy between awareness and intelligence. There are many intelligent people whom are unaware. And many whom are aware but not applying intelligence to this awareness. Politics can indeed be played without the notion of doing something wrong. Politics can be played the right way, the good way. Politics, in essence, is three things. Knowing yourself, knowing the enemy, and knowing the situation.

1.Knowing thyself

Knowing yourself is the awareness of your strengths and weaknesses. Not being delusional about your capabilities but being realistic. It is the ability to access one’s current status, financial, emotional and psychological. Every aspect of one’s current status must be known. Knowing oneself is not limited to the self however. It also includes knowing your allies. Who is on your team. Who is willing to fight with you. Who is willing to die with you. A comprehensive analysis of oneself cannot be done without knowing all information about oneself. That is the first step.

2. Knowing thy enemies

Next up, one has to understand the enemies. These enemies are not necessarily people. They can be systems, organisations, policies, but in most cases, people. One might often have multiple enemies, given the multiple battles that one might be fighting at any one point in time. Work, academics, health, relationships, enemies can be strewn across all aspects of life. Understanding the enemy is to understand the intentions and motivations of the enemy. What are they in it for? What can they seek to gain out of it? And on top of the motivations, it is also important to understand the strengths of the enemy. What is the size of their army? How has it been deployed? Who is overseeing certain operations? Who are the key players? Sometimes certain information requires intelligence and external sources. Only through the accumulation of information, can one deduce the possible strategies that the enemy might deploy.

3. Knowing the situation

However, these strategies may not always be predictable. Situational knowledge is the ability to access the situation based on the various strategies that are being deployed and how they are performing. Sometimes, regardless of the best strategies, some battles cannot be won. It is important to retreat and refocus the attention on other battles. Sometimes an ally might turn out to be an enemy. This would again require reassessing the situation based on the new knowledge. The war is constant, the struggle is constant, and the awareness and strategising need to be constantly modified and adapted according to the situation.

One could just stay away from all of this, saying that politics and war is not my thing, and should be left to those whom meddle in these dark arts. However, the darkness associated with politics and war arises from the fact that the good men are failing to strategise and play as much and as well as those whom are less concerned with values and more concerned with strategic play for power and influence. We need to fight. And we need to fight the good fight. It might take losing a lot of battles, a lot of men and resources. But at the end of the day, when goodness wins the war, that will be all that matters.

Keep glitching.

There is this phenomenon known as the “Imposter Syndrome”. It is when an individual, generally a high-achieving individual, is convinced that all achievements were a result of luck, timing or some external factor, and whole heartedly believe that they are in reality an undeserving fraud. They live in the notion that somehow they have managed to convince others that they are of a certain level of talent or success, while in reality they are merely pretenders and imposters feigning this success.

And in the advent of this technological age of Photoshop and Instagram Filters, it is not too hard to doctor reality to suit a certain idea of life that would garner likes. We see this everywhere, with Instagram idols and Snapchat stars popping up every now and then. But how much of their online lives is a lie? We never truly know, as all that we see are the success stories beneath the rest of them.

And over the past few weeks, I see myself in the same place. A complete absolute lie. Someone who has simply hyped himself up with no substantial amount of talent or skill to get anywhere. Nothing in particular that I excel at. No one characteristic that anyone can identify me with, other than “the cool guy” maybe, and even that is a lie. I am far from cool. I am far from a musician. Far from a designer. Far from a programmer. Far from a photographer. Far from anything substantial at all. And at this stage, it has become seriously worrying.

Being a lie, being not truly good at anything, has both pros and cons to it. Given that I can package myself well, I could probably get opportunities at a slightly higher rate than others. However, living up and making the most out of these opportunities is entirely up to my personal level of competence. Given the opportunity, if I fuck it up, that’s really on me. And that’s really not adding much to my credibility either. People start uncovering your fraudulence. Yes, I do believe that I am a fraud. Possibly a case of imposter syndrome, which I have given thought to, but in reality I can’t even consider myself a high achieving individual to be displaying imposter syndrome.

Over the past few months, I have underperformed in everything. Or rather in the fear of failure, I have simply not even attempted to perform. In academics, I completely stayed away from daunting mathematics and technicalities that I was afraid I am too stupid to grasp. My intelligence is a lie. In music, I have shown close to no progress as a musician in any way, unable to keep up to the monthly musical projects that I had planned to do. My musicianship is a lie. In projects, I have done nothing more than mindless formatting and designs to carry the team, essentially being of no true value to any team at all. I have yet to find a job, cause I am too afraid to even start applying. My grades are slipping, because I am too afraid to study and fail. And my entire social circle, with exception to a few individuals, is a complete lie of fraudulent friends whom are far from genuine.

I am a lie. How much of a lie are you?

Quite recently, I watched the highly acclaimed Disney/Pixar movie “Inside Out” with a very good friend of mine.

WARNING: Spoilers Ahead

This movie was about what goes on inside the mind, how memories are formed and how emotions control our day-to-day behaviour. Although it was an animated feature, the movie covered quite a vast number of topics related to how the mind works, from abstract thoughts to the subconscious and even a very fun “train of thought” which goes all over the place. Not to forget the dream production studio, which creates dreams based on scripts from the main character’s life.

The premise of the story is quite simple. Here is Pixar’s plot synopsis:

Growing up can be a bumpy road, and it’s no exception for Riley, who is uprooted from her Midwest life when her father starts a new job in San Francisco. Like all of us, Riley is guided by her emotions – Joy, Fear, Anger, Disgust and Sadness. The emotions live in Headquarters, the control center inside Riley’s mind, where they help advise her through everyday life. As Riley and her emotions struggle to adjust to a new life in San Francisco, turmoil ensues in Headquarters. Although Joy, Riley’s main and most important emotion, tries to keep things positive, the emotions conflict on how best to navigate a new city, house and school.

– Written by Pixar

One central theme to the entire plot was Sadness. From the beginning of the film, Sadness was portrayed as the dull and negative emotion. Nobody wants a sad memory. And being the chief of the control center, Joy did everything to keep sadness away from the control panel. Her primary goal was to keep Riley happy, and in order to achieve it, she kept Sadness away. This grew to be a bigger problem, when Sadness started touching Riley’s memories. Whenever she did so, the happy memory became a sad memory and the change was irreversible.

This made Joy become very cautious about Sadness, keeping her completely away from Riley’s everyday functioning. But one way or another, Sadness found means of affecting Riley’s life and memories. Things get out of hand when Sadness tries to touch the core memories of Riley. These core memories were shown to be fundamental memories that shaped Riley’s personality, and acted as the “power source” for these personality traits. Without these core memories, Riley would no longer have those personality traits in her any more. These were known as personality islands in the movie, with mini theme parks related to the personality trait (ie. Family, Hockey, Goofyness, etc.)

Anyways, coming back to the point. Wait what was the point? Ah yes, the theory of emotions.

Well, for anyone who has known me knows that I am a rather unemotional person in general. I’ve been this way for as far as I can remember, and something that had grown to become part of my identity. I am not emotionless, but my emotions are rather mild. I don’t cry easily. I don’t tear up when watching sad movies. Not even when that cute dog in the movie dies. I rarely get angry. And even if I do, it disappears within a minute. It was fantastic for dealing with bad situations. I could easily get over embarrassment, disappointment, or any form of negative emotion. At the same time I lacked excitement, passion or happiness towards anything at all.

In the grand battle between logic and emotion, logic always wins for me. How is that a bad thing?

Well, it is for the very same reason that I could not really connect with others. In order to connect, one needs to empathise. And in order to empathise, one needs to feel emotion. And without being able to feel any real form of emotion, I could not empathise. And without being able to empathise, I could not connect. And this became the primary reason I did not have many close companions.

Why was I that emotionless? I cannot really pinpoint a single reason, but I believe that over the years I had grown to become numb to a lot of emotions. Partial credit goes to the very strict and orderly parents that I had, whom would tell me it was wrong anytime I displayed any form of extreme emotion. This in turn got hardwired into my brain, which made me believe that feeling anything at all was wrong as a whole. So I became a rather neutral person. Broadly smiling on the outside, but entirely emotionless on the inside. It worked, and life was going pretty alright for the neutral me.

Until I fell in love for the very first time. That changed everything. Suddenly I was swimming in this pool of emotions. Feeling absolutely everything that I have not felt before. Or rather everything that I had grown to suppress. It might not have been love, maybe just an infatuation. But either way, it opened my mind to a whole new world of possibilities.

And then my heart got broken. Smashed might be a better word. And I became incapable of feeling emotion again. Maybe I didn’t want to. It was not worth it. I opened my heart up and all that happened was it getting destroyed. So what is the point. I’d rather just keep to myself, and feel no emotion. At least my heart is safe. No way was I going to put myself in that vulnerable position again.

Word of the day: Detachment

I became obsessed with detachment. The idea of being detached from everything. The idea of being in this state of zen at all points in time. And I started pushing out anyone whom broke this state of zen. Stayed away from all negativity. And slowly stayed away from everything and everyone. I cannot affect this state. I needed to maintain it. Until I realised that my positivity was turning into negativity. And I was all by myself trying to fight all of that negativity. I was on my own because I chose to be on my own. And it was at that lowest that I realised that true detachment comes from allowing yourself to be vulnerable, but not attached.

It comes from opening up your heart to everything and everyone. Being able to trust and love everyone unconditionally. And yet, not expecting them to treat you the same. Being able to take in the negativity of others. And also their positivity. It is a communal world. We feed off of each others’ energies and emotions. And at the same time, we feed others our emotions and energies. I had misinterpreted the term. True detachment did not come from detaching yourself from everything, but rather attaching yourself to everything without expectations.

At the end of the movie, Joy realises that the happiest memories that Riley had were all because of Sadness. Without sadness, Riley would not be able to experience Joy. And in that final scene, Joy and Sadness create a memory together. From that point, memories were no longer based on a singular emotion, but a hybrid of multiple emotions.

So I thank the good friend whom I watched this movie with, for teaching me this. This and much much more. But most importantly, to embrace my emotions. To not be afraid to feel sadness, or anger, or worry, or disgust. To embrace it all, because on the brighter side, you will also feel joy, happiness, love and pleasure. A life without emotion becomes a life without colour. Although black and white has its own beauty, living a colourless life in this colourful world is akin to taking a black and white photograph of the glorious sunset.

Life is indeed colourful. And it is only now that I am seeing all that colour.

Keep glitching (:

Around two weeks back, Windows released a new update which resulted in my laptop going bonkers. It did not crash, but it just became EXTREMELY SLOW. The extent of this was devastating. I had to wait 30 minutes for “My Documents” to be opened. Yes, it was that bad. My laptop became pretty much dysfunctional. My baby of almost 5 years, the beast that I have had my entire life on (well at least the more significant part of it). And the tough decision had to be made.

A complete clean reformat of the entire system.

This meant a complete wipe of my entire hard drive, erasing everything that I had installed on it through the years which have facilitated my various activities. I made some attempts of backing up the data, but end of the day the data was merely data. It was the environment that was going to be lost. The personality and attributes that made up the laptop. The software.

It was a very reflective few days, going through the idea of a reformat. I knew it had to be done. I had tried every other means of restoring the system back to its old conditions to no avail. There was no other choice. A part of me will be wiped out forever. It was a bittersweet feeling. I knew that everything will be lost, at the same time the idea of a new beginning was inspiring. A clean system meant that I can change the way I did things now. Drop some of the old habits and start fresh with the new ones. I could organise folders differently. I could arrange my music differently. I could have better software installed, less annoying ones. I will be able to build up my entire software environment from ground-zero.

That’s when I realised that life was not too far from a laptop.

Not too long ago, I had a life-changing experience which did a complete reformat of my entire philosophy of life. I got stripped to the core and my entire hard drive was erased. I saw the entire universe in a completely different light, like a child being born into the world. Everything was new and foreign, and I had the opportunity to recreate my entire life. I had the opportunity to shape my life in a completely radical fashion which was different from what I used to run on before. I could upgrade my OS, or downgrade it. I could have decided to run on Linux even, changing everything that I had gotten used to. I can choose to be an extrovert, instead of an introvert. I can choose to focus on education instead of music. I can choose to plan out my days in a more systematic and orderly fashion instead of letting things happen as they happen. I could build myself up brick-by-brick in a completely different way, changing everything about my personality and nature.

It was a complete clean reformat of the entire system.

But I was lost. Lost in the endless possibilities that life could unfold in. Lost in the endless paths that I could take. Lost in the infinite permutations and combinations of decisions that I could take, directly affecting the nature and performance of my system. I did not know where to go. I did not know what was right and what was wrong. I did not know which decisions were good and which were bad. I could not evaluate. For I was clean. Completely non-judgmental  towards past experiences and problems. Those experiences were a result of the past decisions that I had made, so allowing them to affect my current decisions would simply be illogical. Those errors and glitches were a direct result of the environment that the software was running in at that point in time. Now I was clean, fresh and new. There were no past errors. There is no software. I can make the conscious decision to either adopt Windows or Linux. I could decide if I should meditate or smoke to relieve stress. I could decide if I should do complete my assignment or spend time with my friends. These are fresh decisions made in a completely different environment with no links whatsoever to past problems and experiences. This was why I was lost.

Nothing was impossible. Every path could be the right path. Every way could be the right way. I knew my heart and intentions were in the right place, and my operating system was extremely stable. So I knew that any decision made can turn out good or bad, and I had the ability to handle that when the issue arises. But end of the day I still had to make decisions as to how I was going to lead my life.

So I fell into the trap that any human would. The trap of familiarity.

I went back to everything that I was familiar with. Meditation, smoking, friends, drinking, love, coding, design, etc. It was a life mixed with various elements that were prominent in my past. Some elements that I had previously gotten rid of, and some elements that I had only recently began to embrace and accept into my life. And these multiple permutations and combinations are leaving me in a confused state where I am unsure of my next course of action. As I have seen how these various elements in my life interact with each other resulting in how I am on a day-to-day basis, I am unsure which is the negative and which is the positive. And again, the endless possibilities and outcomes of the various decisions that I make scares me. I want to embrace life again but I am afraid of the unknown for the first time. I am unsure of what I need to keep and what I need to delete. I am unsure of what is good and bad. Just like a newborn child.

I guess only time will tell, and every new error that arises needs to be fixed in some way, leading to further decisions that will further modify the environment. Eventually, hopefully, I end up where I need to be. For now, I need to focus on the task at hand, and ask myself:

“What is your dharma?”

If you could rebuild your entire personality and nature, brick-by-brick, how would you do it?

Keep glitching (:

That is what our universe is made out of. A really magnificent designer worked pretty hard to build this universe just to be enjoyed by others. Others of his capabilities. Gods, Masters, angels whatever you may wish to call them. And everything is made by that one fella.

Everything carved by the same artist. Everything written by the same poet. Everything composed by the same musician.

Everything given just the right tinge of the right things and the wrong things. And that plays out in the design. Not the particles. The particles are the same. But the artist determines what flavour he wishes to add where. He knows how to unravel his grandeur masterpiece. He knows which are the right knobs which will be turned at the right time to unravel the next scene.

The Gods watch as scene by scene unfolds, going through a roller coaster ride with the grandeur design. When they expect everything to crumble. That’s when it rises from the ashes again. And then again and again. And somewhere in one scene in one little corner Earth happened.

In the split second of the grandeur production, Earth happened. Life began on Earth. And then man came. Whether by evolution or genesis depends on whether you were watching that corner when man happened. Man then started experiencing life. Started becoming more and more aware about the patterns around him. I mean coincidences could explain it but it really cannot always be coincidence.

Life does sorta roll out on a rather phenomenal way, and you can tell it was orchestrated and masterfully crafted. Everyone knew it. Every particle knew it. Man wanted more. Man wanted to understand the grandeurity of the grand design around him. They all took different roles. Some picked religeon where it straight out tells you there is a God who crafted the universe. But religeon struggled to help everyone find God amidst their definite knowledge of it. And so some picked science, where physics formed the basis upon which every science was built. In the formal theoretical way that everything was formalised in science, they thought if we nailed it in science we can nail the design of the universe. Of course even if they did manage to nail it, only that odd God in the middle row left corner might have noticed and smirked to himself.  Heh.

But even with science, man got stuck numerous times. Even the core science of quantum physics, which is the thread upon which reality is built upon, gets stuck at “Gravity”. Science couldn’t work as well.

Maybe the problem lied in man himself. Man wasn’t capable of reaching the scale of perceiving the design. So some men tried spirituality. They saw glimpses of the grandeur. Enough to convince them that there is a brilliant artist behind it. But not enough to convince the rest of humanity about it.

And then some who saw the grandeur tried imitating it. They wrote plays, composed music, painted art, built buildings. Some of them worked hard on it, becoming really masters of their craft and making masterpieces. They experimented continuously trying to make what the universe is made of. They know what it is like, but creating such brilliance takes some time. So they collaborated with people whom understood the grandeur design a little, and built even better master pieces. While some barely scratched the surface in the form of trashy pop songs, some became timeless classics. Grandeur design fit for the human perception. One that man could appreciate, be inspired enough to seek the true design. Of course these little masterpieces were brilliant, but they barely scratched the tip of the grandeur design.

As the masterpieces got better and better, man’s perception of the grand design got better as well. Man wanted more. Perceive more. Faster and better. That brought the birth of technology.

Technology became the most crucial factor in accelerating man’s growth. Technology is the steroids that man takes to be able to go the long road. Technology is the wheel that helps man cover a little more ground on the same effort. Technology is the new Asics sneakers that comforts you for the long run. Technology is the little Facebook reminder that tells you it’s your good buddy’s birthday when you’re too caught up with the more complex intricacies. Technology evolved with man. Whenever man became better technology had to keep up. When technology became better man could grow. They became intertwined. Almost one but still as two.

In the midst of intertwining with man, technology became intertwined with everything about man. All the great magnificent things of the past became amplified and pumped up. Music got refined, screens got highly defined, life got redesigned. And in the complex new level that technology has intertwined with man, man rose to another level. A little higher, a little better able to see the grandeurity of the universe.

But technology then started lagging. It couldn’t keep up with man. The minds are made of stuff much more complex than the minds of the technology. Humans became fixated on technology. Everything throws an error. Everything has a glitch. Everything failed to satisfy the human craving for perception of the grandeur design. Man did not become a mindless zombie, man is just waiting for technology to grow further so that he can grow further.

That is where we are right now. Fixated on our phones and devices and technologies to empower us with the next dosage to get to a higher level. We wanna go places but these technologies aren’t exactly empowering what the is already capable of achieving. Technologies need to improve twofold, maybe even threefold. And it is not happening. Goodness I cannot fuckin wait already.

Then we stop.

Take a breath or two. And look around.

And we see it. That grandeurity of the design is right there. Right in the eyes of the child sitting opposite you on the train. Right there in the mother thinking about her child getting back home safe while she is going to work, in order to bring some good food on the dinner table. Right there in the trees that guide your path home everyday. Right there in that nice plate of Mee Goreng you have after some time. Not to forget that ice Milo which goes perfectly with that. That grandeurity is in all of that. In various levels of complexities and intricacies. Not spectacular, but enough for your perception of the design at this moment.

And then you realise that getting to the grandeur is not the greatest challenge. It is getting there with everyone. A solo journey is worthless without the right people. Without the ones you trust your life with. The ones you live for. And the ones you’d die for. At the end whether you see the grandeur or not doesn’t really matter, cause what really matters becomes how much of everyone and everything you carry with you and which are right individuals you support who support other right individuals to grow together towards the grandeurity of things. And in the end everything becomes written and carved in the history of how the world played its role.

And the odd God in the middle row left seat smirked to himself.

I am crushed. Completely absolutely crushed. My heart is hanging on a few lone threads trying to find reason to continue. Once again I am lost. In a downward spiral. In a dark place that I had once vowed never to return to. The fire that was once burning bright within is now a flickering little flame. The hope and reason that I found once has now come to haunt me as a mere illusion. Everything that seemed so real and certain is now just a speck of dust in the vast ocean of uncertainty.

There was a time which came a couple of months ago, when I had resolved to make something out of myself. To change from my lazy and meaningless lifestyle in order to find a new purpose and strive to become a better person. I dropped a few of my old habits which I knew were not getting me anywhere, and I picked up a few which I saw myself thriving in. I started meditating regularly, reading more, started this blog to write more, created my own page, took on vast challenging experiences which pushed me beyond my capabilities, lost my ego, found a new one, lost my girlfriend, found a new one, lost my identity, found a new one. Everything had changed. And the reason for all that change was three letters.

GPA.

Since young, grades have always taken a first priority in my life. I was naturally academic. I understood concepts fast, and did really well in math and science. I was logical by nature and it allowed me to outperform my peers in most exams without any form of revision whatsoever, at the elementary level. I would easily be the top in my class for most subjects, except English. Apparently I sucked at writing. But eventually I did well enough to enter one of the top institutions in Singapore, Raffles Institution, attaining the bare minimum cut-off score to get accepted.

And then at the secondary school level, I started losing focus on academics. It required a little more effort than the elementary level. I needed to be a little more hardworking, acing exams effortlessly became much harder and I started doubting my intelligence a little. Nevertheless I always managed to scrape through with decent grades. They were not fantastic, nor were they too bad. I started accepting that I was just lazy and if I were to put in more effort I could do better.

Coming from Raffles Institution, I did not have to take the darned O’level examinations which most other secondary schools required. It was an effortless stroll into one of the top junior colleges in Singapore, one that I never believed myself to be worthy of. As I saw these numerous students getting perfect grades on their O’levels to get into Raffles, I often found myself thinking that if I had to take the O’levels I could have never been able to attain such good scores.

Throughout Junior college, I flunked a majority of my exams. I hardly had any motivation to study, and ended up distracting myself with a social life and various other wasteful activities. I would skip lectures to go play pool, or go drinking after school while being underage. I was excited and amazed at the vast possibilities around me. Books were just too boring. Once again I studied enough to scrape through most of my major exams, but never really did well. I was doing this until the biggest exam of my life came, the A’levels.

Fear took over. I cannot afford to fuck this up. My dreams are tagged to this exam. My life is tied to this exam. I cannot fuck this up. So I studied. I started two months before my exams. But I went head-on into it. I left everything. I submerged myself in books and notes and formulas and practice papers. I detached myself from anyone who was not helping me academically. I became closer to, and maybe even led on, a few girls whom I knew could help me academically. I became the person I despised. But I knew it was temporary. And somehow it worked. Sort of. I managed to get quite decent grades eventually, and all that closing up and constant academic endeavor paid of. Once again they were not fantastic, but good enough to get me where I wanted to go.

I got a place in Singapore University of Technology and Design. And to my surprise they even offered me a scholarship. It was the greatest thing that had happened in my academic life. A scholarship??!! A freakin scholarship?? For me??? My parents were equally blown away. It was the proudest moment in their lives. And it made me so incredibly happy to see them that happy.

And after that it was two years of brainless national service. No exams, no tests. None of that bullshit. It was wild and crazy. Picked up smoking. Drank like a motherfucker. Clubbed every weekend. Found my first girlfriend. It was the partying phase of my life and I made sure I lived it to the fullest. It was also the time that I picked up photography and music, since I had insane amounts of free time. It was not anything serious, just a hobby. But one that I was quite passionate about.

And then university began. It was amazing. Quite perfect. I was happy with where I was. I had a good relationship going on. My grades were not too bad. I was continuing photography and music quite passionately. First year went pretty well. And then in the second year, everything came tumbling down. Suddenly my life was not perfect any longer. My two year relationship had ended in a horrendous and devastating way. My heart was smashed, and I could not even bother picking up the pieces. My grades were the least of my priorities. I had to find myself. That was of greater importance. And I lost all motivation to perform academically. I started skipping lessons. Pretty much all of them. There were one or two classes that I liked which I would go for. I did not submit assignments. I wrote exams halfheartedly.

And sometime in the later half of my second year, the inevitable happened. I received my first warning on my scholarship. I had been underperforming and it was time for me to buck up. It was supposed to be a wake up call. A sign for me to get my shit together. So I tried. Not really. I was still skipping lessons. Still not submitting homework. I hardly put in any effort. I thought I would pull through as usual. Like I have been all my life. I thought my grades would be decent. But my GPA dropped again.

So I resolved to change my life completely. I started working hard. I started attending lessons. I started doing homework. I started taking notes. I started exercising. I quit smoking. I quit drinking. I picked up meditation. I focused on music. On studies and music. And a little more music. I wanted to become a musician. But I needed to graduate first. So I told myself to focus on studies. I know I did not perform fantastically. But I was satisfied with my improvement. I knew there will definitely be an improvement in my GPA.

Until an hour ago. When I saw my grades I died a little. I did worse than my previous semester. Worse than the semester that I skipped the majority of classes and didn’t submit the majority of assignments. Worse than the semester that I was smoking up every other day and getting drunk every week. Worse than the times that I had no purpose or motivation in life.

I don’t get it. It does not make any sense to me. This is completely ridiculous even from an objective point of view. And I don’t know what to do. Usually improvement can be observed through progress. But in this case I have deteriorated from my previous state, regardless of my change in lifestyle. I don’t know what more is needed. I don’t know how far I need to fall before I rise. I am lost. Crushed.

I know I can pick myself and continue forward. But I am travelling down an unknown path again. Once again I do not know what is right and what is wrong. I do not know what I need to do to get where I want to be. I do not know where I need to head to be able to realize my dreams.

Show me a way. Please.

Bitch better have my money!
Bitch better have my money!
Pay me what you owe me
Bitch better have my (bitch better have my)
Bitch better have my (bitch better have my)
Bitch better have my money!

These are the lyrics to the chorus of the meaningful and profound song by Rihanna called “Bitch better have my money” (surprise surprise). Admittedly quite a catchy song nevertheless. I found myself singing along to “Braap Braap Braap” on quite a number of occasions.

It has become quite a trend in hiphop and rap, to be showing off material wealth and talking about fat stacks of cash all day and all night. And not just in hip hop, but in various other social media trends as well. There are personalities on Instagram whom have gotten famous due to solely the amount of material wealth they show off and spend in numerous ways.

The notorious Dan Bilzerian who got particularly famous for ballin hard with models and pornstars and swimming in wealth.

Wealth and material accomplishments have become very closely tied with success, every successful individual being tied to their monetary worth. The big question is always whether he’s worth a million or a billion, and if not who is worth that much. That’s the guy I wanna be like. He’s got everything I can ever dream of. He is living my dream life. I just need to get rich.

And that is usually where an individual starts going downhill. In the pursuit of money and wealth, people get caught up in various lies and deceits promising instant wealth. Become a millionaire in 6 months. Be your own boss, never work for another day in your life. Live your dream life and earn millions from your couch. Sounds a little familiar? These are just the more obvious lies. There are a lot more subtle ones as well. Like banks whom ask you to trust your money with them, so that you can earn some interest out of that money. You don’t need to do anything just leave it in the bank for 10 years and with NO RISK you can earn a couple of thousand dollars. WOW!

And fortunate enough for these banks, and the various sneaky little schemes and quick-money programmes, there are many individuals who wanna get rich, and they wanna get rich in the fastest way. So some of them try out these little schemes and realise this is not getting them anywhere. But they NEED to get rich, or at least look rich. So they turn to consumerism.

Which brings us to the second biggest lie in the world. Buying A will give you happiness. And then maybe B and C as well. They will make your life a little more wholesome. Hold on, everyone has gotten A already. It does not make you any different from the rest. Now you NEED to get D, that is what will make you popular among your friends. Unfortunately, this mindset has been driven into us from young.

So many choices!!! I want it all!!!

Since we start schooling, we grow up with kids from various backgrounds and financial capabilities. One day, the cool kid brings an iPod to class, and all the kids surround him and go “Oh you are so lucky to have such nice parents” and “I wish my parents were as awesome as yours” or “That is so cool, I wish I had one of those”. And in that instant, all you ever wanted is that iPod. So you go home and tell you mum about it, that this kid brought an iPod to school. Your mum knows how much you love gadgets but finances have been a little tight that month so she diverts it to your dad. So now you go to dad and tell him that you want an iPod because your friend brought one to school. Your dad thinks about it and says, “If you do well for your exams, I will get you one”. So you study really hard, wanting that iPod. And when the results come, financial situation is still not too great, so your dad tells you that your grades were not good enough.  And suddenly your parents are not as nice anymore, because your friend had parents who bought it for him just like that. No expectations, no need for grades, no need for a birthday, nothing at all. Simply because he wanted it. And your parents are being unfair to you and not giving you the things that you want.

This kid has got the coolest parents in the world

And you grow up with the same mindset, comparing yourself with the rich kids and complaining about how you can never get the things that they are getting. The consumerism attacks the young with toys and gadgets, the teenagers with fashion, and the adults with brands. The mindset becomes deep-rooted, never really changing even as we grow into adults. We start chasing brands like Prada, Gucci, Versace, trying to keep up with the material possessions of friends whom are in a better financial position. And many a times, we end up trying so hard to look rich, that we don’t realise how poor we really are. Spending all the money we never had to look rich, and giving up everything that we had making us poor. The greatest irony of consumerism. And the funny thing is that, the really really rich people, the ones whom are rolling in billion dollars, spend their money very wisely on things that they can afford. That is how they even got rich in the first place, knowing exactly where they stand and what they can afford. And slowly building the capability over time.

Looking at all this monetary chaos across the world, there is also another group which chooses to disregard money completely and treat it as poison. Let us love and care for one another, we are more than a couple of zeros in our bank. The world needs more love and caring. Let us give and not expect. Let us serve mankind with love and generosity. Let us help the needy and dedicate our lives to embracing the human soul, and stay away from this monster called money. We don’t need that. We are beyond that. Yadayadayada…all too familiar non-profit goals and vision. As much as organisations would like to call themselves non-profit, they still need to make money to support the operating costs and pay the individuals whom work there. At least those whom aren’t volunteers (free labour). So regardless of their unlucrative notion, everything is run by money.

So is money good or bad? I say neither.

Money is the tool, the mediator. It creates the divide between the powerful and the powerless. It separates the influential from the followers. It makes the world go round. For something to be sustainable, it needs to be profitable. For an idea to be a success, it needs to sell. For a person to be influential, he need to be successful and accepted socially as that. If you want to leave a mark in this world, a little dent at the least, money needs to be in the picture for it to be a big enough dent. When something as pure and spiritual as religion needs money to function, how could anyone dismiss the importance of money in the present society. Maybe in a utopian future, we give with no expectations and love one another and care for every child. But in this current world, and for a long time to come, money is the only thing that can and will make a difference.

But how one chooses to use the money, becomes an individual choice. One could either make an impact through establishing personal fame with the money, or he could put that influence into impacting the society, building a rocket to Mars, finding the cure to cancer. The possibilities with money are really endless. Without money it’s all talk and no action.

So make money my friends, but learn to swim before you get rich. Otherwise you could drown in the the very money that you make.

Keep glitching, always keep glitching and learning.

Semester ended somewhat on a decent note. I took the weekend off to watch Star Wars, The Force Awakens (which can be discussed on another post), and I started working full-time from the following Monday.

There was no time for a break, no time for a well-deserved holiday. Not one anytime soon. At least not till I’m good enough.

It might sound a little crazy, but I love working. I work at this small fintech startup in Singapore (which I do not want to mention the name of in case it shows up on Google searches). And the reason I like working here is because it constantly drives into me the fact that I am not good enough.

Why? Because of the sheer number of intelligent, smart and driven individuals in that one giant room. These are not your merely book smart people, these are your Harvard grads whom left big paychecks to live their purpose. These are the guys whom question conventionality and take on a fresh perspective. These are the guys who can talk to you all day about Existentialism and Objectivism (radical philosophical theories you should check out), but choose to focus on the task at hand instead. These are the guys whom can probably run the entire company singlehandedly if they could clone themselves, but demonstrate amazing leadership in enabling others to be part of the process. I’ll stop with the praises, but you get the idea.

Being in the same physical space as such individuals makes you really question your worth and existence. How good are you? Will you ever be good enough?

How good is good enough?

Before we can answer that question, we need to think about what does it even mean to be “good enough”. Is it a state that everyone can attain, or is it merely a psychological escape that everyone envisions. How can one ever feel like he is good enough if it is not even an attainable state?

But there are people whom consider themselves to be “good enough”. Whom don’t constantly doubt themselves. Whom are completely comfortable with their current state of existence. So it must be an attainable state, at least to some degree.

Now that it’s established that being “good enough” is a state, we need to look into what constitutes being in this state. We know for sure that some of those whom believe so, actually a large majority, are actually just foolish individuals whom have quite successfully tricked themselves of being satisfied with their current state of existence.

A best employee of the month at McDonald’s certainly has some pride to his accomplishment, although it might not be much in the eyes of the society. He truly does believe that he has proven his worth and achieved something. Most large companies have various levels of hierarchy for this very reason. For individuals to trick themselves into believing that they have gotten “a promotion” or “a bonus” because they have demonstrated their worth and which they now know to be “good enough”.

These awards and promotions are usually sufficient in making the large majority believe in their self-worth, and to truly believe that they are “good enough” as long as they continue doing what they have been doing all the while. Society successfully suppresses them of their true potential, making them stagnate for the rest of their lives.

However the ones who are truly “good enough” are the ones whom know that they can never be good enough. They are the ones whom are comfortable with inadequacy, but at the same time are driven to grow. They are the ones whom know exactly how good they are, and know what needs to be done to get better. The ones whom obsessively chase improvement, not to achieve anything or get any promotion, but to merely become a better individual.

Being “good enough” then, comes with balance. The balance of being good enough to have the confidence to push out ideas and changes in the world, but bad enough to know that there is still room for growth and improvement. Success can happen overnight with some luck, but maintaining it takes the mindset of knowing that perfection is something to constantly strive for. That’s how you keep giving hits one after another. Consistency is key.

With that motivation quote from DJ Khaled, I hope that one day I can attain the state of being “good enough”. Not good, not bad, but a balanced state where I can maximise growth and change.

So keep growing, keep glitching! (:

It is finals week. I’ve got bucket loads to study, given that I had missed quite a number of lessons in the second half of the semester due to performances and stuff. And somehow, this also seems to be the perfect time to be pondering about the depths and mysteries of life.

Being an introvert, in the broad nature of the term, it is quite normal for me to be rather closed up and observant. And I tend to observe people a lot. And by a lot meaning a lot. So much to the point that when someone says something, I know exactly what their response would be to my reply, and I avoid replying as their response is greatly predictable and completely pointless.

And for that particular reason I shut up, a lot. In situations when I ought to speak up, I shut down. In situations when attacks have been made at my ego, I can easily shoot another’s ego but I shut up. I can completely destroy a relationship with a single response so I shut up. Not because I value their friendship or association, most relationships are replaceable. But cause they have the layer of stupidity called ego. And trying to penetrate that is a massive waste of energy.

Most people value their identity greatly. It gives them some meaning. Some pseudo purpose of being a speck in the vast universe. Some seeming individuality to their worthless existence. That is where ego arises from. That is where pride and all those meaningless forms of self-entitlement comes from.

But what is identity? Do we really have an identity? Are we really unique as individuals? Maybe, in little genetic differences that have been encoded into us. And probably societal upbringing, who your parents were and what your experiences have been. And that is about it. That really is as far as your true individuality gets you. And the rest of it is just your ego, your massive fucking ego which is truly gonna define who you turn out to be.

It may seem like I am speaking out of anger, because I am. I am truly frustrated with the limitations the large majority of the human race has imposed on themselves due to their ego. Unnecessary arguments, debates, wars and ridiculous effort into disagreement just because of ego. Just that fucking ego leading to every other problem that humanity is facing and will face.

Imagine if every just put their ego in a box and shredded the fucking thing into pieces. The amount of progress mankind can make. If we reason out everything logically, made decisions based on the greater benefit than our own personal ideals.

However, we don’t live in that ideal world. Not for a long time, and maybe never. We live in a world full of egotistic individuals whom are proud of all the wrong that they are doing. Individuals whom get a kick out of stealing others’ egos. Friendships built upon feeding one another’s egos. Companies which profit on those with a smaller ego. It is an ego-driven world, the bigger egos eat the smaller ones. The bigger egos call the shots, have the influence to dominate over the smaller egos. Money doesn’t make the world go round as much as ego does. Money merely fuels that ego. And every asshole on this planet is filled to the brim with ego, making them the most worthless yet influential people.

So is it possible to thrive in this ego-driven world without an ego? Is it possible to be positive amongst all the negative? Is it sensible to reach for the peak without cutting corners? Is the struggle to be good worth it?

I guess only time will tell, while I continue the struggle.

Keep glitching (: