Yeap, that’s right. I turned 25 today.

No more fooling around. No more time wasting. No more laziness. Time to start settling down. Focusing on career progression. Maybe get married in a couple of years. Then some kids. Buy a house. You haven’t gotten a car? Wait you don’t even have a license?

I can already imagine the pressures that I will be facing in the coming 5 years. It is not going to be easy. Maybe even the hardest years of my life. The past year alone had changed me beyond anything else, and possibly even made me lose myself in the process. But before I take on the next 5 years, I need to uncover who I was 5 years ago. I need to dig up myself from the past, to know who and where I am right now. What are the things that I need to bring back, what have I changed from, what has gone for good and what do I need to change.

So here are 25 things that I have uncovered about myself. Not the me now, but the me from the past. Probably in the last 5 years. Cause that person is who I am trying to find back. That person who knew who he was and knew what he wanted. That person who was lost, but confident regardless. That person who did not care when every other friend asked him to start applying for jobs or looking into career. Well maybe he should have. But regardless that person had way more balls than I do right now. So here’s to finding back that soul, and maybe more.

---

1. Fearless

I was fearless. I had always been fearless. Never ever truly fitting into any crowd, I think I gave up fitting in a long time ago. And that gave me the courage to stand out and be different. Fearless would be a lie cause in reality I was always afraid. But I lied to myself so well that I became fearless. I dared to challenge myself to face every fear, like public humiliation. I put myself in situations where I could potentially get the most public humiliation (eg. national television) and that gave me the confidence that anything can be dealt with.

2. Different

Oh I wanted it, so bad. To be normal. To have friends like others did. To laugh and joke and fuck around like the other kids. But that ship sailed long back, and I got around to accepting that I was different. Everything that I did was a little different. That my mind worked a little different.

3. Crazy

Yea I’m crazy. I’m pretty sure my friends would vouch for that as well.

4. Thrill seeking

I’m quite a thrill seeker. I can do multiple trips on the craziest roller coaster. I crave adrenaline rushes. I like living on the edge. I like doing my assignments on the last hour before submission. Half the things I do make no sense, but I do it anyway just for kicks.

5. Morally grounded

As much as I seek thrills, I have a strong moral ground of what is right and what is wrong. I would never cheat on a partner, as thrilling as that could be. I will not take advantage of a person in a vulnerable position. Never anything that could even remotely harm or hurt another soul. And these are not my own attributes, but lessons I’ve learnt over the years through personal and impersonal experiences. And of course, my parents. They shape my thoughts and actions beyond anything else. The purest of hearts are theirs, always.

6. Truth seeking

The universe is an interesting place, always full of the unknown. I’ve always been a curious soul, seeking knowledge and trying to learn and uncover the many truths of the universe. This has made me question too many things too many times, also attributing to my introspective nature. But I always valued truth above anything else, even if it cost me friendships or relationships. Truth shall and will always prevail.

7. Dissatisfied

I don’t think I’ve ever felt satisfied with myself with regards to anything. I have never considered myself to have accomplished anything significant at all, as much as they may be significant in the eyes of others. It’s never been enough.

8. Witty

Do I really have to elaborate?

9. Narcissistic

I guess some would’ve considered me as quite narcissistic. And well I used to be quite the narcissist. I couldn’t really see my flaws, all I saw was perfection. Although it was quite far from that, I always had the impression that I was better than the rest.

10. Lazy

The reason for half my flaws and issues stems from this. I am lazy as hell. People can go crazy not doing anything, but not me. I can literally not do anything at all and feel nothing about it. My mum used to call me the “lazy king”. Basically I would want everything in place without having to move a fingertip. And most of the time this helped a little in finding the easiest ways of doing things. I called myself efficient for that. But that’s not always the case.

11. Vulnerable

I have always put myself in groups where I was pushed around and bullied. Somehow it naturally ended up in vulnerable situations where people had close to no respect for me and I was nothing more than a joke. I could’ve removed myself from these situations but I knew that there was much to learn from these individuals than to let myself be in a comfortable situation that didn’t challenge me. Plus me getting angry or irritated meant they won. Which I could never let happen. The bad guy can’t be the one winning.

12. Perfectionist

I always had been a perfectionist, seeking close to absolute perfection in anything that I did. I never wanted to be faulted, or told that I was wrong. As much as possible I tried to inform myself of everything that I could possibly be critiqued on. And pushed towards that perfect state. Sometimes this became obsessive, but it gave me pride in the work that I did.

13. Practical

Practical perfectionist is what I used to call myself. As much as I was a perfectionist, there were things which I knew to be unrealistic and impractical and therefore not worth the extra time and effort. This could be credited to laziness but it also gave me grounding in everything that I did. So I always made good decisions on being able to realistically manage projects and time, while still pushing for perfection in the ways people would not think about.

14. Detached

I guess some would call this being a commitment phobe, but I had never truly been attached to anything so deeply. Nothing has never defined me, to the extent that my life would be meaningless without it. Friendships, relationships, passions, hobbies, everything has been important and yet not life defining. As such I’ve never had much of an issue moving on from anything.

15. Attached

This might sound contradictory to the previous claim but as detached as I can get, in the moment I am absolutely attached. I give my heart and soul to anything that I’m involved in. I am 100% committed to it, making it everything that my life revolves around, at that point in time.

16. Liar

I used to be a pretty darn good liar, with a top-class poker face. Probably came from years of lying and hiding things from parents. Somehow as genuine as I wanted to be, I don’t think I was really a genuine individual majority of the time, probably afraid that people would not accept who I really was. Or maybe it just became a habit, being able to lie and seeing how far I could carry that lie without getting caught. Either ways, I did not develop many strong friendships through those years, considering how in genuine I was.

17. Macroscopic

I guess due to my detached and introspective nature, I’ve always had a macroscopic view on things. This is good and bad, in the sense I focus much more on the long term impacts rather than short term gains which most would see. This allowed me to always take a step back and make decisions that were sensible from multiple angles. This also allowed me to analyse problems and find solutions faster, by looking at various aspects of the problem.

18. Fast learner

I was fast to understand new concepts, since I was always curious about learning new things. Of course I struggled when it came to the details, being macroscopic and all, but conceptually I can hold a conversation for 10 mins, after only reading about it for 5 mins. This generally made me a good first-time conversationalist, but a boring long term conversationalist.

19. Serious

You probably could not find anyone who overanalysed things as much as I did. I gave way too many fucks about too many things, and took everything a little too seriously. Sometimes way too serious to even have a laugh at myself. I saw myself constantly in the spotlight and needing to perform, and took long to forgive myself for any mistake that I made. Sometimes I was too hard on myself, but mostly it just made me worked up about everything.

20. Anti social

This should have been number one. Being a major introvert I was extremely anti social. I guess majority perceived it as me thinking that I was too cool for them or something. But in reality it was just me being unable to strike up and maintain a conversation with someone that I was not comfortable with. And social anxiety was a major problem as well. So it all kind of added up in me being a closed up anti social creature.

21. Futurist

Till date the wonders that technology can do has been magical to me. I had always been obsessed about technology and been a huge optimist about the future that technology can bring.  I believed that any new technology can only bring greatness to mankind, overriding any potential ill effects that humans create out of their own ill natures.

22. Creative

Out-of-the-box thinker. Being different I always tend to view things differently as well. Far from convention and common thought. This gave me a creative vision that was beyond what most would consider normal, allowing me to truly venture into ideas that most would dismiss instantly. Creativity was probably one of the most crucial parts of my nature.

23. Respectful

I always respected others, despite my narcissism. I believed every individual was valuable and had something unique in them that could contribute towards a project or discussion. I never dismissed any thought, especially if it didn’t align with mine. Respect needed to be given to every individual, regardless of colour, age, social status and what not. And continued to be given till they decide to break it themselves.

24. Optimistic

Apparently it’s a Sagittarius thing, but optimism has always been my nature. I never imagined a bad future, things would always turn out good in my head. And even if they didn’t, I would look at the silver lining to feel good about it. This always made any situation better than it actually is. It had helped me deal with a lot then.

25. Dreamer

Be it in the day or night, my thoughts always have a taken a ride of their own, my imagination shooting off the charts. This lets me analyse and see far beyond what another might be able to, while also easily tiring out my mind, making me forgetful and lazy. Nevertheless this is the one most important thing that had led to everything that I could possibly consider an achievement. Being a dreamer.

---

So that’s it. 25 things about me that made me think about who I was. Next step is probably figuring out who I am now, and then who I need to be. But that’s for next time.

 

Till then,

Keep glitching 😉

 

 

 

I’m almost hitting 25. The magical number of adulthood. The time when we boldly step into the life that we choose for ourselves. The moment where we look back and see all that we have achieved, and continue on the path that we have formulated. There’s a small problem though.

I don’t know who I am.

Lately I’ve been observing others more. The lives and relationships and motivations of others. Well, technically I have always been doing that. Minus sporadic moments where I feel absolutely myself, I hardly ever assert my individuality in any situation. I am more curious about others and who they are as individuals, what shapes them and motivates them, and how they assert their individuality. In moments where I have to display individuality, it is just some temporary individuality that exists for the moment, without any form of consistency. Who I am is generally dependent on who I’m with, how I’m feeling, what time I woke up, what I had for lunch, and a multitude of other factors.

Plus there always has been that weird insecurity that I might not be accepted for who I am. There are many aspects of me that I would consider weird. And as much as your average millennial is going to tell you to be proud of your eccentricities and own it, growing up has taught me otherwise. In fact, I have always celebrated my individuality in an open and public way. But beyond a point, and by that I mean beyond an age, society starts becoming more conforming. Your social circle of friends whom you thought to be equally weird and eccentric start becoming more “normal”. Ideas, thoughts and opinions start becoming more or less aligned, and eccentric thoughts and behaviours aren’t entertained as much as before (not like it was much to begin with). So in a way, you have to learn to be private with your eccentricities, or risk losing any form of respect that you might have gotten over the years.

And why is that so important? Why is that respect or dignity of any importance? Because that’s where you earn trust. That’s where you earn credibility. That’s when others will want to work with you, and maybe even work for you. Only with that respect is it possible to make an impact. Sometimes people make do with fear and manipulation. But that doesn’t really go too far. So being honest, hardworking, credible, and making true positive impact is the way to build respect and work with the best of the best.

But even then it is not so easy. Being a good honest person is only half of it. The other half is how do you handle not-so-good people. Who do you trust? Who do you respect? Who do you want to work with and be good and honest for? What is your price? What can you tolerate and what can’t you? These are important questions as they determine our actions in many situations. A lot of times we end up letting people take us for a ride, at least in my case, without realising that we are the ones that are letting them do so. And this is because we don’t know the answers to these questions. We don’t know what we want and we let them have what they want. Sometimes at the expense of ourselves. I’m not saying that it is wrong to give in to others, or do things for others more than what they do for us.

Do it consciously.

You need to have self awareness to be able to find that balance. Knowing exactly who you are, what you want, and what you need to do to get there, is merely an understanding of the mind. It is a relationship of trust and communication that needs to be built over time. And just like any relationship, if you start lying to your mind, then your mind stops trusting you, and telling you what it wants. If you tell it that this will be the last cigarette, and then proceed to buy a pack the day after, the mind will note the lie you made to it. And in future, you would be less likely to make it your last cigarette, cause even your mind gives up on you after a point.

So I am going to begin now. Begin rebuilding my relationship with my mind. Trying to become more conscious of the actions and decisions that I make. Of the paths that I choose, and the ways that I act and react. And hopefully, this relationship will allow me to find the answers to the question: Who am I?

 

 

It was around 12.30am, when my dad had gotten the call that his elder brother (I call him Manippa) is having some breathing difficulties and is being admitted to the hospital. I was in my room trying to fix an odd bug that my Mac was giving, not letting me do my work. My dad decided that it’s best he went to the hospital just to make sure that the admitting procedures went smoothly. Since my Macbook wasn’t really working, I decided to tag along with him and give him some company, since it was already quite late.

We had decided to UberPool to KTPH since it was cheap and there would probably be no one else at that hour. But two random Chinese guys hopped onto the Uber for a super short trip and paid 60 cents. Yes that’s right, 60 cents. Probably would have reached the hospital at around 1am or so, cause of that 60 cent detour.

The next 15 minutes happened so fast that my brain could not consciously process most of it, but subconsciously a lot was happening, so let me attempt to form that bridge now.

We walked to the A&E admissions ward and told them that my uncle was admitted. The attendee looked at us and immediately asked “Mohan?”. I guess he might be the only indian patient admitted so he probably made that link. Dad said the full name and proceeded to take his wallet out to register his IC. I guessed I probably needed to wait outside as they usually only let one person to visit the admitted individual. But the attendee just said “Come with me, both of you can come.” Oh he wasn’t even asking for an IC. This guy is nice. Or maybe Manippa’s condition is critical enough that he does not wish to waste time. 

“Hi, I’m Dr Raj. Shall we head there?” Probably not a good place to talk standing in the middle of patients all around. Nice doc. First time inside this place either way, so let me just take the time to study the surroundings. Heard all about night calls and A&E. 

“Would you like to have a seat?” the slightly plump but polite doctor asked my dad.  My dad, being my dad, said it’s fine and asked the doctor what’s the situation like. The doctor started by explaining what had happened at the home.

---

Before I continue, I should provide with a little background on Manippa.

Manippa is one of the most unique beings in my life. He was born with a serious case of down syndrome and mental retardation. On top of that, he was also mute, unable to speak or even make any distinguishable sounds. He is unable to perform very basic tasks like using the toilet when needed, to even indicating if he is in pain or not. This made taking care of him extremely challenging as it would be impossible to identify when he needs or wants something, or if he doesn’t like something. He won’t be able to say he is hungry, he might just sit around until he faints. Likewise he won’t be able to say that he prefers one type of food to another. His expressions are generally neutral.

One most fascinating aspects about him is that he often has prolonged conversations with imaginary beings. Although mute, he often seems engaged in conversations with himself (or maybe imaginary friends), sometimes smiling, sometimes disagreeing, sometimes just chilling out and having a chat about the mysteries of the universe. But his mind would always seem very engaged.

I grew up with Manippa playing with me since I was born. He stayed with us, my grandmother mostly taking care of him and my dad supporting his medical expenses and finances. He used to go with walks with me, while I used to hold his rough fingers. Although mentally unstable, his soul was a pure one, much like that of a child. Innocent and harmless. Always full of love. Especially for his imaginary friends.

Thinking of it now, with a better understanding of mental conditions, I don’t even know the extent of mental issues that he might have been facing. He might have even been schizophrenic, only God knows. But through all that, over the years, with the relationship that was built with my father and grandmother, he was a functional member of the family. He would sweep the house when told to. He knows when to come and eat, how to wash his plate, how to serve his own food, how to pray, and how to be someone that fits in the family.

However, he had an anxiety issue where he felt conscious of using the toilet. Initially this was not as much as it grew to be in the recent years, where he would rather do his business in his pants while sitting down, than to make his way to the toilet being seen by others at home. To make things worse, he used to take his business and hide it around the house, so that no one would know that he did it. Maybe his imaginary friends were telling him to do that, as he became more creative over time in how he executed it.

It was after one of such incidents, where he had left his business in my room, that my family had reached the tipping point and made the call that he cannot stay with us at home any longer. It was unfortunate and extremely saddening. My grandmother had to leave her own son in a care home. We believed it was for the best, maybe for him as well.

---

“The home had called in an ambulance at around 12.15. He was last seen around 10pm, quite active and able, and going to bed. At 12 plus, they found him not breathing, and with no pulse. The caretakers attempted CPR and called an ambulance. We performed CPR and gave him oxygen to try to revive him, and bring back his pulse. Unfortunately, we were not able to bring back his heartbeat. So actually he’s been pronounced dead since 30 minutes back.”***

Holy shit. 

The air around suddenly felt heavier. I held my dad for a moment, I could sense him losing balance. I can’t recall what the doctor said after that, something about not knowing the cause of death, and cardiac arrest, and not needing police involved. I took a moment to digest the information.

Manippa was no more. 

The following 48 hours were absolutely surreal.

I had informed my aunt and brother, who brought my grandmother to the hospital. We had to arrange for the funeral service and cremation to be done on the same day. Held a small funeral at our place, only informing close friends and family. Went for the cremation in the evening, and went to collect the ashes the following morning. Did the necessary rituals, submerging the ashes into the sea. And with that it was over.

All that we become at the end of it all is simply ash and bones, returning back to the ground we came from.

Manippa, you will stay in my heart till my body becomes ash and bones. May you find peace where you’re heading. And maybe meet the friends that you’ve always been talking to. This world is too cruel for your happiness, you will find it there, trust me. We will miss you very much. Rest in peace.

 

 

*** This is only based off my poor memory and were not the exact words of the doctor. If it sounds like something a doctor would not say then it’s probably made up by my mind.

If you haven’t read the first part yet, read it here.

…

So its been quite a while since I have written anything at all so I need some time and words to get myself warmed up.

Actually its been a while since I did anything familiar or usual at all. Since I have exercised properly, or gone for a run, or met up with friends. Feels like everything is just moving really fast and I don’t really have time for the things that I used to do.

In the first part of the OS update series, I was finding a full time job. And I managed to get one shortly after, in a company that I thought was perfect for me.

6 months later, I cannot be more wrong. Maybe its just me and my poor time/people management skills, but work has been seriously draining me out. I feel like a dead plank these days, just floating with the river. I think I have lost my sense of humour. Even my sense of dark humour. I am starting to like cat videos. I cannot really hold an engaging conversation with anyone. I cannot seem to make jokes. I don’t really know what my personality is. I just feel like I need more time for myself, but I just have no time at all.

Okay I seriously need to stop ranting. That’s another thing I seem to be doing a lot these days. Ranting about work. Ranting about life. Ranting about my girlfriend. It’s like I am not happy with anything at all in my life. I cannot wake up in the mornings. I go to work late almost everyday. I just waste away through Instagram and Facebook feeds on my phone, even after deleting the Facebook app (I use Safari lol). I keep telling myself I am gonna stop smoking but I end up lasting like hardly 3 days.

I think my mental stamina and willpower is at like some all-time low right now. I can’t even run 2km without giving up and stopping at least once. I know I am not dying and I could go forward if I pushed a little harder. But there’s just this little bitch inside my head telling me “Why bother, not like that extra minute is gonna make you lose all the pounds you’ve gained.” And I just halt, telling myself that’s true it doesn’t make a difference. And I keep doing that with everything else and simply taking the easy road all the time. Not like I used to be some hard working disciplined guy in the past, but I think I used to have some clarity of mind and probably some amount of inner peace, which is completely not present right now.

My rant about ranting just became another rant and I have more things to rant about now. Fuck me. But I’m just gonna continue. This was supposed to be the warming up anyways. But I’ll probably tell myself warmup was tiring enough let’s write the proper post another day. Cause that’s just how I roll. Cause I’m too lazy to walk.

Okay maybe not all sense of humour is gone.

Anyways, moving on from that awkward lame attempt of a joke, I know that I need to start taking care of myself more. Through exercise, proper eating, proper sleeping, good waking up routines and all that shit, but no, I give no fucks about all that. Somehow my warped little brain seems to think that it is too smart for all these menial trivial tasks which aren’t gonna make much of a difference.

Actually quitting my job might make the world of a difference. But I shall bear with it for another 6 months. Just to save up enough money. But yours truly just seems to want to blow it all on fucking Uber rides everyday. I’d like to say in my defence that’s pretty much all I spend on, but nope I have a lot of random odd unplanned expenses which just kick out a few hundred bucks every time. Like how I decided to fly to Phuket randomly, or that other KL trip.

So point is that quitting my job is not the solution. So how do I then find time to do all this exercise and things that all these happy healthy people do? Waking up clearly is not happening anytime soon. And its not like I have nothing to do apart from work either. Even if that was the case maybe I could find time for such things. Also I am still staying with my family so I can’t just live by my own rules. But honestly super thankful for that cause not everyone gets delicious home cooked meals on a daily basis, laundry done on an almost daily basis, and having a room and bed, without having to pay any rent at all. So for the meantime I wouldn’t mind sacrificing some freedom for all that I gain. Plus it’s nice being with family. The little interactions make a world of a difference.

In summary, of the warmup, I think I can safely conclude that I am dead inside, with no amount of light within me. Nothing that I am doing on a regular basis, except carnatic music lessons, is able to provide me with that light. It’s not that I don’t like darkness or can’t live with it, but I just feel like my soul does better with light.

But on that note, the one thing I have stuck by through all this, is wearing my heart on my sleeve. Regardless of who I am with, or how that person has hurt me or might hurt me, I tend to be as honest and open as I can with them. Cause I believe that if you give it your all in these little things, someday someone might love you back when you need it most.

So as promised, I am gonna leave with this warmup rant, cause I need my sleep (which means mindless scrolling through Facebook for 30 mins) and use this as a reminder that this OS quite badly needs an update. It’s as bad as Windows Vista right now.

Keep glitching.

Gotta stick to the lame signing off I came up with in the lovely days before adulthood.

 

 

Just needed to get that out. Nothing more nothing less. Just a nice good ol’ “Fuck You”.

Would’ve done it on twitter but didn’t wanna be a Kanye. Though I think that might be me sooner or later.

To all those who keep doubting yourselves, those who knew that you were capable of more but never got there, those who have always been doubted and critiqued by others, those who have had the weirdest insecurities that haunt you at night, those who wish to obliterate from space never to face anyone, those that never got the support or love that you needed from anyone, not even the ones closest to you, those that had to make all the wrong decisions to carry that baggage throughout life, only to make things right, those who wish they just knew the answers already.

Don’t worry, you ain’t alone. (If noone is out there, then I’m probably alone)

Just join me in saying “FUCK YOU WORLD” and keep doing what you do best. You’re awesome. Always remember that. No matter what anyone says. You are fucking awesome. And you don’t need to be anything for anyone else but yourself. Believe that you are capable of achieving. Believe you are on your way. Believe that you are worth it. Cause when you start believing it, those around you will. And that is when you will start getting the love you need. That is when you start believing the decisions you made were for the best indeed. That is when you start sleeping in peace knowing that the next day will be a bomb. And that is when you truly start believing in yourself and your dreams.

I know this sounds like a whole lot of motivational bullshit, and obviously you can’t be a fuckin shining start every day of your life. Just keep it real. Know where you need to head, what you need to do, and how you’re gonna do it. Then just discipline yourself to do it. Be it. Become it.

You are that. And more.

Keep glitching.

It’s Friday.

We sit in front of our desks, eagerly waiting for the clock to strike 6 so that we can pack our bags and head out for that much needed beer. The week had been way too long, almost like it was never ending. Luckily you already made plans with the guys. Finally, it will be time to wind down and chill. Talk some shit about your bosses and girlfriends. Make some vulgar remarks about the skimpily dressed girls downtown. And maybe have a drink too many, to aid in forgetting what a hell of a week it had been.

Friday has become the most popular day of the week, for obvious reasons, even making guest appearances in multiple horrendous pop songs. It is the one day when you can forget about work, study, or any of your other responsibilities and get that well deserved break from everything. The one day that marks the beginning of the weekend.

The gateway into your escape from reality.

Humans, I believe, have this innate desire to escape reality. So much so that it defines some of our actions and behaviours. Maybe not just some of them, but most of them.

Okay scratch that.

What if I told you that every decision that you ever made was based off this single goal programmed into your system?

Just take a moment to think about it. How many of your habits, behaviours and mannerisms, are motivated by the desire to escape? How many decisions have you made, believing that it was entirely a free choice, but in reality feeding this inner craving to escape reality? How many of these small decisions have repeated over time to take shape as habits? How many of these habits have persisted over time to become your identity? How much of who you are actually stems from this deep logic programmed into your system?

Still lost? Okay let’s take a step back.

What do you mean by Escaping Reality?

Well to simply put it, to escape reality is to do anything that can temporarily or permanently change the state of existence for an individual.

You mean like doing drugs? Yea well, doing drugs is a part of it. Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, weed (does not fall under drugs), porn, and all these other “sinful” indulgences fall under escaping reality. They alter one’s idea and state of reality temporarily, allowing the individual to live an alternate reality, however momentarily. But escaping reality is not bound to these vices that most would never openly admit to indulging in. Escaping reality expands far beyond that.

Travelling has become one of the most popular modes of escapism. Given how cheap flights have become, people can travel with the same ease of getting tickets to a movie. Speaking of which, movies, concerts, drama productions, street theatres, art exhibitions, are all forms of escaping reality. These environments create the atmosphere for one to take a momentary leap out of their reality and dive into another.

Sometimes you don’t even need a change in the environment. Go ahead and grab a book, flip through its pages and absorb the words. Listen to a song, observing the blending of the melodies and harmonies. Or just sit back and watch the stars. It is that simple to transport yourself into another dimension, completely out of your reality.

The Science behind Escaping Reality

Alright, before you get too conscious about reading this, let me bring you back to the reality of this phenomenon. The idea behind escaping reality is not something merely fluffy and abstract. In fact there is an entire science behind this idea, and supports this notion of humans tending towards escaping reality. This science is a lovely little thing known as: Dopamine.

Dopamine is the chemical that is released by the brain, when it likes what you’re doing. Sort of like the little voice in your head that is motivating you to do all the crazy shit that you wanna do (although Shia LaBeouf might be a good substitute).

Every time you do something that gives you a sense of accomplishment or satisfaction, that’s dopamine getting released into your system. Enjoying that ice-cream? That’s dopamine. What about that coffee? Dopamine as well. Having a smoke? Doing yoga? Watching porn? Yes, yes and yes. Everything from watching cat videos to getting a like on your Instagram photo triggers your dopamine levels and gives you that nice little feeling, earning its reputation as the brain’s “pleasure chemical”.

So what does this have to do with escaping reality?

Escaping reality IS the release of dopamine. Every known idea of escaping reality: meditation, yoga, traveling, bungee jumping, cocaine, sex, everything is what it is because of dopamine. Escaping reality is what the brain wants us to do, it is what our system rewards us for, and makes us do again and again for more rewards. And everything that we do to earn that reward of sweet sweet dopamine, falls under the category of “escaping reality”

Types of Escaping Reality

Before we continue, let me just start referring to “Escaping Reality” as “ER” , to save me some effort and save you some reading time.

Having seen the vast number of possibilities and actions that can fall under the broad category of ER, you must be wondering what is the point if everything can be explained by it. Well as with any umbrella term, there are a few sub-categories that we can split ER into. These sub-categories can be broadly grouped into two main categories: Easy ER and Hard ER.

Easy ER is all the ways in which you can gain almost instantaneous gratification. Drugs are a sure way to get you there. But so are things like watching sports, listening to music, and even scrolling through Facebook. Some might be a little more challenging, like video games and fiction, where a little more effort has to be put in before attaining gratification, although ultimately falling under Easy ER. A large bulk of this category is made up of entertainment modes, allowing us to escape reality with minimal effort.

Hard ER, on the other hand, is much harder (quite evidently). Hard ER are the things which take the most effort, seemingly unrewarding in nature, but the ones that provide us with the greatest sense of escaping reality.  The things like maintaining a healthy lifestyle, eating right, exercising, having a good relationship with others, saving money, and all that jazz that your parents constantly nag at you for. The reason they nag so much is because after all their years of experience, they finally realise that these are the things that matter the most, and are the ones which provide the greatest form of escape.

Over the years, we have seen easy ER growing at an increasing rate, with clubs filling out more than ever before, parties being thrown every now and then, entertainment industry booming with more and more ways to trigger our dopamine levels. So much so that many have become slaves to these ways of escaping reality, sustaining themselves and satisfying their system by constantly consuming the multitudes of ways in which we are being showed how to escape reality. Addiction is everywhere, born out of these technologies which feed our desires. Only a few are aware of the paths to truly escape this reality, attaining true liberation, instead of the fictitious forms that we are surrounded by.

Where do we go now?

So where exactly do we end up, escaping this reality? Well, if it is out of this reality then certainly it is not a place that one can go to. It is more of a state of mind.

A state of absolute bliss.

That is the end point. That is the goal and motivation of our existence. That is the great escape.

But how we choose to go there, is entirely up to us. Would you rather have short bursts of bliss? Or be submerged in it at all times? Would you rather take the easy ER or the hard ER? Would you rather live for instantaneous pleasures, or seek for the most absolute state of pleasure? Given that our mind and body is programmed to satisfy this function, there is only one true question:

How are you going to escape reality?

---

Keep glitching.

It has been a while since I have posted anything at all, with a lot of half written posts that are simply drafted and pending. Last night I just decided that I should sit down and take some time to reflect about the things that 2016 has thought me, and also jot down some of the aspirations for the year ahead.

2016 has been one of the craziest and most impactful years in my life. So much has happened within the span of 365 days. Starting early with the unveiling of the Grandeur Design which had reshaped my entire idea of what the purpose of life was, to the more subtle unfolding of what turned out to be one of the most significant relationships of my life, to going through hell with the last two semesters in Uni and graduating with a decent grade, completing a significant milestone in Carnatic music and finding a new Guru to guide me further, actually getting employed after graduation at an AI company. Too much has happened that I probably can’t even recall everything.

But through all that which happened through the year, there are a few important things that I learnt (as cliche as this sounds) which probably have changed me indefinitely.

Relationships matter most

Something that I wanted to cover in the part 2 of the OS Update post, but never got around to. If there’s a single theme that resonated most throughout the entire year that I have never paid attention to before, it is the value of relationships. I learnt that regardless of how much of a genius you are, regardless of how talented or brilliant you are, a lonely path is one that is not worth traversing. You could have the potential to uncover the deepest darkest most well hidden secrets of the universe. But without the companion, friend, parent or brother by your side to share it with, that discovery is as good as nothing, for no one will be able to share your happiness and excitement.

It is the relationships that move you forward, they are the ones that bring you places, build your connections, allow your thoughts and ideas to traverse beyond boundaries, and at the end of it all, they are the ones whom make you who you are. The universe is an interconnected system, where even the furthest star can influence the occurrences in our everyday life. So why neglect the stars that surround you everyday?

I moved through phases throughout the year, becoming a social butterfly that I had never been previously, to becoming somewhat an extrovert, and then experiencing an instantaneous realisation which led to an ego death, making me a more down to earth person than ever before, to wearing my heart on a sleeve, then getting that same heart hurt and torn apart being barely able to breath, and then becoming the introverted guarded person that I once used to be, and finally after another major realisation, opening up to the beautiful kind souls that surround me and learning to accept their flaws and shortcomings and at the same time loving them all the same.

The emotional journey that I had gone through this year has been unlike anything ever before. Revealing to me the deeply rooted insecurities that I possess, and showing me the darker more sinister sides to my personality. Nevertheless, revelation is necessary for growth, and my pursuit for constant growth has been fuelled by the emotional rollercoaster that I had been on over the past year.

At the end of it all, I pray for more patience and understanding and acceptance, to allow me to connect at a deeper level with individuals, and not let ego get in the way. Which brings me to my next point.

Ego cannot be eliminated

For a large part of my spiritual and intellectual journey over the year before, I strongly believed that ego was something that can be let go of. Something that can be disintegrated into non-existence, allowing the mind and soul to be liberated from the clutches of the systematic rigidity that we live in. However, one needs to probably go far away from society itself, like what Buddha did, denouncing all external attachments including family, friends and material pleasures, in order to be able to let go of ego. It is not impossible, I believe that it is very much possible to do so. Ego can be eliminated.

However, that would go against my first realisation, that relationships matter the most. Denouncing all attachments and venturing into the mountains in order to eliminate ego might be much much easier than letting go of ego in a constantly connected world with information flowing through our palms every second, people constantly interacting with us, pushing and pulling at our soul from multiple directions at all times. With all that happening, our soul can get easily crushed without an ego. With the soul crushed, one cannot go out to achieve his or her true purpose. Especially when you see the ill-purposes that are being achieved by those with an ego, clearly there needs to be some amount of ego in order to stand against these fuckers and fight the good fight.

One can sit by a corner and say that you need to forgive and accept and acknowledge the presence of evil as well as good in the world, but being good and doing nothing while watching the evil doings happening, is probably worse than being evil. At least they are doing something, as fucked up as it might be they have the drive and motivation to be doing something. But if you’re all the good that you claim to be, and not do anything to stand against that, or even willing to take a step in the right direction, you my friend, are worse than evil.

So to a large extent, ego is necessary for functioning in society. At least till technology catches up to validate its non-existence, ego is required to be a functioning member of society, and needs to exist to a certain degree. But since the mind is like a garden, ego can grow wild and prevent the other plants from blooming if not taken care of. In the right amounts, it enhances the mental ecosystem. Let it take over, and you’ve an uncontrollable parasite that will completely inhibit the growth of any other plant in the garden.

Just have fun

Having grown up not playing many games or sports, I’ve always taken life a tad bit too seriously. Always analysing conversations and scenarios, people and places, thoughts and actions, trying to make sense out of even the mundane and giving things meaning and understanding just for my own satisfaction. I was never really comfortable with just hanging out with people and chilling, or playing a game for the fun of it, or playing a sport just to relax. The idea of fun or relaxation meant doing nothing to me, like how I used to spend a lot of my holidays as a kid, as I found doing something must have meaning and purpose and thus a relaxed approach would add to nothing.

But as life always does, it taught me that even the things that you put your heart and soul into doing, can add to nothing and become meaningless at some point. And the things that one does without any intended outcome, can turn out to be the most rewarding experience. It is often the case where many hobbyists or passionate individuals try to turn their passion into something professional, thinking that they can have fun for the rest of their lives, but end up finding it really hard to make ends meet. This happens precisely because many think that what relaxes and gives them happiness will always continue to do so. But when it becomes a matter of putting bread on the table, suddenly the idea of it is not very fun anymore and the pressure starts to add up, making one sometimes despise the very things that made them happy.

As cliche as it is gonna sound again, life is short. I realised that for a large part of my life I’ve been taking a lot of things too seriously and not letting myself have fun with it. Having fun is accepting failure. Having fun is picking yourself back up and trying again. Having fun is having that playful competitiveness. Having fun is having sportsmanship. Having fun is giving yourself a break once in a while. Having fun is about letting go of the past.

Having fun is about living in the moment.

Looking ahead

Looking ahead into the new year, these realisations and thoughts are something that I want to keep close with me, not forgetting them while I venture into the places and worlds that I have always dreamt of going into. 2017 is going to be an extremely exciting year with much possibilities and directions opening up. With so many avenues that can open up, I sincerely hope and pray that the ones I love and care about the most will be there by my side to support me in my ventures.

I thank God, one whom I after a long time have come to believe in, for giving me the strength and guidance to endure through the past year. Your constant presence has always been there with me and within me, giving me the resilience to take every step forward, in bringing the world to a better place. Please be there, not just for me but also the loved ones around me, in guiding us forward and bringing us closer to the state that you exist in.

Thank you for all the ups and downs 2016, I look forward to a brilliant and beautiful year ahead!

Keep glitching!

It’s been a quiet few months here and the last few months have been nothing short of transformative. The last time I was here it was a few weeks before graduation. And I would like to proudly claim that I have successfully graduated with a degree (yea I know it’s just a piece of paper) and managed to survive college without losing my scholarship or my life. 

So just a little recap of all that has happened in the past two months or so. I completed my final projects and presentations, overslept for my final exam, got a haircut and shaved, practiced day in and out for a month for the most significant concert of my life, got together with the one girl who had managed to mesmerise me beyond anything, got a job as a teaching assistant at General Assembly, revamped my wardrobe entirely, cleared out an entire room and painted it (hoping to convert it into a studio), signed up for a half marathon, turned down a job offer at my favourite internship company and started looking for a job. And I wonder why I didn’t have time to write. In fact I’m not even done with half that shit yet. I’ve yet to order furniture for my little mancave, organise my room and belongings, train for the marathon, catch up with a ton of friends, start my own YouTube channel, start investing, arrange a few compositions and covers, stabilise my relationship, work on my photography site, and not to forget…get a fucking job. 

And while most of my friends have been travelling and partying and working after school ended, and I haven’t had time for any of that shit. In fact I don’t even see a need to celebrate as I feel more liberated and changed than anything. Life is amazing as it is and I’m constantly being challenged in multiple ways and learning new things everyday. 

This change has been an absolute transformation. A complete update of the operating system. From the exterior design and interface, to the internal algorithms and workings of the entire system. 

While the external changes are rather obvious (no beard for a start) the internal modifications are the ones which have made an absolute difference in my life. 

One of the key primary realisations I’ve made, as cliche as it might sound, is the importance of living and loving the present. I feel like this has been said multiple times in so many ways that it might seem a little mainstream. But the depth and importance of this manifests in multiple ways. 

And it all begins with our good old friend, the ego. 

The ego is like the code on which the operating system runs on. The hundreds of dependencies that are needed for your system to work. And a lot of times, there are large chunks of bad code written within it, but covered up over other code. And most of the time our personality and UI might change, but the ego remains the same, too deeply integrated into the system to be modified. Sometimes developers are too afraid to touch this code, what if the entire system crashes if I change it? And so they just overlook it and continue building layers upon layers of code that might fix the surfacial errors, never truly tackling the root of the problem. 

And then one fine day, a fine developer decides to take the time to read this ancient chunk of code. He looks at it for a while, understanding the strange functions and operations written into it. Maybe there were certain motivations at that point in time which led to those decisions, but right now this makes absolutely no sense. And he deletes it. 

The system suddenly feels lighter. Runs smoother. And a lot of the errors thrown earlier did not exist anymore. Wow. Instantaneous transformation. 

In classic analogical sense, that was pretty much what happened to me. Happened overnight, and life was never the same again. Of course took me a long while to get to see that piece of code, but when I did I realised my system did not need it anymore and I deleted it. Rest of the ego is still there, just the bad parts which needed to be deleted. 

Not saying that I’m a purely good soul right now, but I feel a lot lighter and better as a human being. I feel more empathy towards other fellow human beings, because that ugly chunk of code was always trying to tell me that I’m cooler than anyone in the room. Something that was written into the system ages ago when I was deemed as uncool. It was a self defence mechanism that protected my core system from damage. But right now there is no need for that piece of code. There is no need to be the coolest person in the room. I’m just me and if someone thinks I’m cool that’s cool, otherwise I really can’t give a damn. 

Once this chunk of code was deleted, suddenly other functions started working better. One of the most important of them was valuing relationships. 

_____________________________

Since this post is getting longer than I thought I’m going to split it into two parts. So relationships will be covered in the second roll out of the OS update.

Till then, keep glitching.

Graduation is 4 weeks away, and a lot of my friends have already planned for graduation trips to Japan and Taiwan. Other friends have already graduated, filling my newsfeed with the cliche photos of graduation caps being thrown while jumping in gowns. Some others are overseas travelling and exploring, discovering themselves. And the rest of them are all flaunting the Pokemons that they’ve managed to catch in a week. Everyone with a reason to celebrate. A reason to smile and spread happiness.

And at the same time, somewhere across the world, someone just became a victim of gun killings. Bombs are going off without warning. Black lives. White lives. Asian lives. All of the fucking lives. Donald Trump is leading the presidency run. Killings everyday. Every fucking day. Hundreds dying at one go. Lives being lost every second. And yet these people seem to have a reason to celebrate.

Sitting in front of our iPads and Macbooks, scrolling through our newsfeed and adding the teary-eyed emoticon (thanks to Facebook’s considerate new Reactions) to the multitude of disturbing posts that we read. Occasionally sharing one or two, with a personal opinion on how unfair the world is and how our hearts go out to the families of the victims. Some even go an extra mile as to change their profile picture. We talk about it, for maybe a day or two.

And we move on.

We find another reason to celebrate. Another reason to laugh. To smile. To be jolly. After all is that not what life is about? Being happy and making the most out of it? Following your heart and fulfilling your dreams? Making the best out of every moment?

We are told this almost on a daily basis, through all forms of communication. Everyone is following at least one of these motivational posts on Instagram, me included (I personally recommend @thinkgrowprosper). It gives us the daily boost to focus on our goals and strive towards achieving our dreams. We all need that reason to celebrate. At least to strive towards celebrating.

Imagine that perfect life, where you are sitting on a beach, with a cocktail by your side, a beautiful woman lying next to you, while reading a book on how you are going to grow your company to the next level. I’m pretty sure it didn’t require much imagination, every sales pitch out there gives the same visualisation of the ideal life.

But while you’re lying in the beach fondling your girl’s ass, people out there are still dying. The killings are still ongoing. Islamic extremists have not taken a break. Gun violence has not come to an end. Racism is still at large. And someone among your friends and family might be the next victim…

Tell me the reason to celebrate now. Give me a reason to rejoice. Try spreading positivity when there is so much grief and despair in the air. Come out of your shell and take a good look at the world. It is ugly. It is sad. But it is ours.

My heart weeps for the innocent lives lost…

I am in a constant state of sadness. I empathise easier, and tear a little easier. This is a drastic personal change, given how unemotional I used to be. But my heart is heavy. I feel the pain and suffering. And I feel helpless that I have to sit here and write this while hundreds out there are losing their lives. I want to find a way, a reason to truly celebrate. For everyone to rejoice. This cruelty must come to an end. And if it is war that we are going into, I am ready to fight the good fight for the rest of my life.

The winter is coming. Brace yourselves.

Keep glitching.