Yeap, that’s right. I turned 25 today.
No more fooling around. No more time wasting. No more laziness. Time to start settling down. Focusing on career progression. Maybe get married in a couple of years. Then some kids. Buy a house. You haven’t gotten a car? Wait you don’t even have a license?
I can already imagine the pressures that I will be facing in the coming 5 years. It is not going to be easy. Maybe even the hardest years of my life. The past year alone had changed me beyond anything else, and possibly even made me lose myself in the process. But before I take on the next 5 years, I need to uncover who I was 5 years ago. I need to dig up myself from the past, to know who and where I am right now. What are the things that I need to bring back, what have I changed from, what has gone for good and what do I need to change.
So here are 25 things that I have uncovered about myself. Not the me now, but the me from the past. Probably in the last 5 years. Cause that person is who I am trying to find back. That person who knew who he was and knew what he wanted. That person who was lost, but confident regardless. That person who did not care when every other friend asked him to start applying for jobs or looking into career. Well maybe he should have. But regardless that person had way more balls than I do right now. So here’s to finding back that soul, and maybe more.
1. Fearless
I was fearless. I had always been fearless. Never ever truly fitting into any crowd, I think I gave up fitting in a long time ago. And that gave me the courage to stand out and be different. Fearless would be a lie cause in reality I was always afraid. But I lied to myself so well that I became fearless. I dared to challenge myself to face every fear, like public humiliation. I put myself in situations where I could potentially get the most public humiliation (eg. national television) and that gave me the confidence that anything can be dealt with.
2. Different
Oh I wanted it, so bad. To be normal. To have friends like others did. To laugh and joke and fuck around like the other kids. But that ship sailed long back, and I got around to accepting that I was different. Everything that I did was a little different. That my mind worked a little different.
3. Crazy
Yea I’m crazy. I’m pretty sure my friends would vouch for that as well.
4. Thrill seeking
I’m quite a thrill seeker. I can do multiple trips on the craziest roller coaster. I crave adrenaline rushes. I like living on the edge. I like doing my assignments on the last hour before submission. Half the things I do make no sense, but I do it anyway just for kicks.
5. Morally grounded
As much as I seek thrills, I have a strong moral ground of what is right and what is wrong. I would never cheat on a partner, as thrilling as that could be. I will not take advantage of a person in a vulnerable position. Never anything that could even remotely harm or hurt another soul. And these are not my own attributes, but lessons I’ve learnt over the years through personal and impersonal experiences. And of course, my parents. They shape my thoughts and actions beyond anything else. The purest of hearts are theirs, always.
6. Truth seeking
The universe is an interesting place, always full of the unknown. I’ve always been a curious soul, seeking knowledge and trying to learn and uncover the many truths of the universe. This has made me question too many things too many times, also attributing to my introspective nature. But I always valued truth above anything else, even if it cost me friendships or relationships. Truth shall and will always prevail.
7. Dissatisfied
I don’t think I’ve ever felt satisfied with myself with regards to anything. I have never considered myself to have accomplished anything significant at all, as much as they may be significant in the eyes of others. It’s never been enough.
8. Witty
Do I really have to elaborate?
9. Narcissistic
I guess some would’ve considered me as quite narcissistic. And well I used to be quite the narcissist. I couldn’t really see my flaws, all I saw was perfection. Although it was quite far from that, I always had the impression that I was better than the rest.
10. Lazy
The reason for half my flaws and issues stems from this. I am lazy as hell. People can go crazy not doing anything, but not me. I can literally not do anything at all and feel nothing about it. My mum used to call me the “lazy king”. Basically I would want everything in place without having to move a fingertip. And most of the time this helped a little in finding the easiest ways of doing things. I called myself efficient for that. But that’s not always the case.
11. Vulnerable
I have always put myself in groups where I was pushed around and bullied. Somehow it naturally ended up in vulnerable situations where people had close to no respect for me and I was nothing more than a joke. I could’ve removed myself from these situations but I knew that there was much to learn from these individuals than to let myself be in a comfortable situation that didn’t challenge me. Plus me getting angry or irritated meant they won. Which I could never let happen. The bad guy can’t be the one winning.
12. Perfectionist
I always had been a perfectionist, seeking close to absolute perfection in anything that I did. I never wanted to be faulted, or told that I was wrong. As much as possible I tried to inform myself of everything that I could possibly be critiqued on. And pushed towards that perfect state. Sometimes this became obsessive, but it gave me pride in the work that I did.
13. Practical
Practical perfectionist is what I used to call myself. As much as I was a perfectionist, there were things which I knew to be unrealistic and impractical and therefore not worth the extra time and effort. This could be credited to laziness but it also gave me grounding in everything that I did. So I always made good decisions on being able to realistically manage projects and time, while still pushing for perfection in the ways people would not think about.
14. Detached
I guess some would call this being a commitment phobe, but I had never truly been attached to anything so deeply. Nothing has never defined me, to the extent that my life would be meaningless without it. Friendships, relationships, passions, hobbies, everything has been important and yet not life defining. As such I’ve never had much of an issue moving on from anything.
15. Attached
This might sound contradictory to the previous claim but as detached as I can get, in the moment I am absolutely attached. I give my heart and soul to anything that I’m involved in. I am 100% committed to it, making it everything that my life revolves around, at that point in time.
16. Liar
I used to be a pretty darn good liar, with a top-class poker face. Probably came from years of lying and hiding things from parents. Somehow as genuine as I wanted to be, I don’t think I was really a genuine individual majority of the time, probably afraid that people would not accept who I really was. Or maybe it just became a habit, being able to lie and seeing how far I could carry that lie without getting caught. Either ways, I did not develop many strong friendships through those years, considering how in genuine I was.
17. Macroscopic
I guess due to my detached and introspective nature, I’ve always had a macroscopic view on things. This is good and bad, in the sense I focus much more on the long term impacts rather than short term gains which most would see. This allowed me to always take a step back and make decisions that were sensible from multiple angles. This also allowed me to analyse problems and find solutions faster, by looking at various aspects of the problem.
18. Fast learner
I was fast to understand new concepts, since I was always curious about learning new things. Of course I struggled when it came to the details, being macroscopic and all, but conceptually I can hold a conversation for 10 mins, after only reading about it for 5 mins. This generally made me a good first-time conversationalist, but a boring long term conversationalist.
19. Serious
You probably could not find anyone who overanalysed things as much as I did. I gave way too many fucks about too many things, and took everything a little too seriously. Sometimes way too serious to even have a laugh at myself. I saw myself constantly in the spotlight and needing to perform, and took long to forgive myself for any mistake that I made. Sometimes I was too hard on myself, but mostly it just made me worked up about everything.
20. Anti social
This should have been number one. Being a major introvert I was extremely anti social. I guess majority perceived it as me thinking that I was too cool for them or something. But in reality it was just me being unable to strike up and maintain a conversation with someone that I was not comfortable with. And social anxiety was a major problem as well. So it all kind of added up in me being a closed up anti social creature.
21. Futurist
Till date the wonders that technology can do has been magical to me. I had always been obsessed about technology and been a huge optimist about the future that technology can bring. I believed that any new technology can only bring greatness to mankind, overriding any potential ill effects that humans create out of their own ill natures.
22. Creative
Out-of-the-box thinker. Being different I always tend to view things differently as well. Far from convention and common thought. This gave me a creative vision that was beyond what most would consider normal, allowing me to truly venture into ideas that most would dismiss instantly. Creativity was probably one of the most crucial parts of my nature.
23. Respectful
I always respected others, despite my narcissism. I believed every individual was valuable and had something unique in them that could contribute towards a project or discussion. I never dismissed any thought, especially if it didn’t align with mine. Respect needed to be given to every individual, regardless of colour, age, social status and what not. And continued to be given till they decide to break it themselves.
24. Optimistic
Apparently it’s a Sagittarius thing, but optimism has always been my nature. I never imagined a bad future, things would always turn out good in my head. And even if they didn’t, I would look at the silver lining to feel good about it. This always made any situation better than it actually is. It had helped me deal with a lot then.
25. Dreamer
Be it in the day or night, my thoughts always have a taken a ride of their own, my imagination shooting off the charts. This lets me analyse and see far beyond what another might be able to, while also easily tiring out my mind, making me forgetful and lazy. Nevertheless this is the one most important thing that had led to everything that I could possibly consider an achievement. Being a dreamer.
So that’s it. 25 things about me that made me think about who I was. Next step is probably figuring out who I am now, and then who I need to be. But that’s for next time.
Till then,
Keep glitching 😉