If you haven’t read the first part yet, read it here.

…

So its been quite a while since I have written anything at all so I need some time and words to get myself warmed up.

Actually its been a while since I did anything familiar or usual at all. Since I have exercised properly, or gone for a run, or met up with friends. Feels like everything is just moving really fast and I don’t really have time for the things that I used to do.

In the first part of the OS update series, I was finding a full time job. And I managed to get one shortly after, in a company that I thought was perfect for me.

6 months later, I cannot be more wrong. Maybe its just me and my poor time/people management skills, but work has been seriously draining me out. I feel like a dead plank these days, just floating with the river. I think I have lost my sense of humour. Even my sense of dark humour. I am starting to like cat videos. I cannot really hold an engaging conversation with anyone. I cannot seem to make jokes. I don’t really know what my personality is. I just feel like I need more time for myself, but I just have no time at all.

Okay I seriously need to stop ranting. That’s another thing I seem to be doing a lot these days. Ranting about work. Ranting about life. Ranting about my girlfriend. It’s like I am not happy with anything at all in my life. I cannot wake up in the mornings. I go to work late almost everyday. I just waste away through Instagram and Facebook feeds on my phone, even after deleting the Facebook app (I use Safari lol). I keep telling myself I am gonna stop smoking but I end up lasting like hardly 3 days.

I think my mental stamina and willpower is at like some all-time low right now. I can’t even run 2km without giving up and stopping at least once. I know I am not dying and I could go forward if I pushed a little harder. But there’s just this little bitch inside my head telling me “Why bother, not like that extra minute is gonna make you lose all the pounds you’ve gained.” And I just halt, telling myself that’s true it doesn’t make a difference. And I keep doing that with everything else and simply taking the easy road all the time. Not like I used to be some hard working disciplined guy in the past, but I think I used to have some clarity of mind and probably some amount of inner peace, which is completely not present right now.

My rant about ranting just became another rant and I have more things to rant about now. Fuck me. But I’m just gonna continue. This was supposed to be the warming up anyways. But I’ll probably tell myself warmup was tiring enough let’s write the proper post another day. Cause that’s just how I roll. Cause I’m too lazy to walk.

Okay maybe not all sense of humour is gone.

Anyways, moving on from that awkward lame attempt of a joke, I know that I need to start taking care of myself more. Through exercise, proper eating, proper sleeping, good waking up routines and all that shit, but no, I give no fucks about all that. Somehow my warped little brain seems to think that it is too smart for all these menial trivial tasks which aren’t gonna make much of a difference.

Actually quitting my job might make the world of a difference. But I shall bear with it for another 6 months. Just to save up enough money. But yours truly just seems to want to blow it all on fucking Uber rides everyday. I’d like to say in my defence that’s pretty much all I spend on, but nope I have a lot of random odd unplanned expenses which just kick out a few hundred bucks every time. Like how I decided to fly to Phuket randomly, or that other KL trip.

So point is that quitting my job is not the solution. So how do I then find time to do all this exercise and things that all these happy healthy people do? Waking up clearly is not happening anytime soon. And its not like I have nothing to do apart from work either. Even if that was the case maybe I could find time for such things. Also I am still staying with my family so I can’t just live by my own rules. But honestly super thankful for that cause not everyone gets delicious home cooked meals on a daily basis, laundry done on an almost daily basis, and having a room and bed, without having to pay any rent at all. So for the meantime I wouldn’t mind sacrificing some freedom for all that I gain. Plus it’s nice being with family. The little interactions make a world of a difference.

In summary, of the warmup, I think I can safely conclude that I am dead inside, with no amount of light within me. Nothing that I am doing on a regular basis, except carnatic music lessons, is able to provide me with that light. It’s not that I don’t like darkness or can’t live with it, but I just feel like my soul does better with light.

But on that note, the one thing I have stuck by through all this, is wearing my heart on my sleeve. Regardless of who I am with, or how that person has hurt me or might hurt me, I tend to be as honest and open as I can with them. Cause I believe that if you give it your all in these little things, someday someone might love you back when you need it most.

So as promised, I am gonna leave with this warmup rant, cause I need my sleep (which means mindless scrolling through Facebook for 30 mins) and use this as a reminder that this OS quite badly needs an update. It’s as bad as Windows Vista right now.

Keep glitching.

Gotta stick to the lame signing off I came up with in the lovely days before adulthood.