This is a writing from a travel journal written in 2015. Digitising for posterity.
Do you remember what it felt like when you were a child?
The days of care-free play and nuisance. The days of little mischiefs managed, and little secrets in boxes. When you were a child, everyone was good; there was no evil. We could play with everyone and the biggest enemy was the uncle who would ask us to keep the noise down. Our dreams were spectacular and massive, we were ambitious to the moon. Nothing was impossible. Be it a sportsman, scientist or a rockstar, we were unstoppable. We knew it was going to happen one day. We didn’t know how or why but we were certain it will.
As we grew up, slowly but surely, this certainty and belief that we had in our dreams started fading away. We start getting mocked and laughed at for dreaming. “All of that is not gonna happen in the real world” we are told, repeatedly. We get punched and beaten up a couple of times and all of a sudden, people aren’t good anymore. Throw in a couple of heartbreaks and failures and the dream just depletes into a faint distant memory, no longer a part of you.
With no dreams or goals to guide us, we start listening to all the non-dreamers and their formula for success and happiness. Get a stable job. Start a savings account. Plan for retirement. Find a good partner. Have a child, maybe two. Do it and you will find happiness. This will fulfil all your life’s desires. And we follow it, not knowing what other path to follow. How bad could it be? For advice coming from such experienced and senior individuals.
We mindlessly carry out everything that leads us to success. Get good grades, go to a good college, get a good job. But all the while, whilst telling ourselves that we are happy where we are at, that inner child hidden beneath the tiers of doubt and disbelief is crying. The child cannot let go of those magnificent dreams that she once had. Whenever something remotely close to that dreams comes into your lives, the child smiles a little. Whenever it is baking a cake, or dancing a little dance in the room, or screaming out loud in the shower.
Sex, the most celebrated yet taboo act, is one of the most primal and child-like act that humans engage in. We let go of all inhibitions, all need to maintain an adult-like professionalism, while engaging in childlike play. Explains why we love it so much. Same goes for the vices of alcohol and drugs. All these acts bring us to the mental state of a child, the all-loving, ever-curious, ever-dreaming child.
Ironic isn’t it? We engage in all these superficial acts that simulate our senses to believe that we are child-like. But in reality we engage in nothing that pleases our inner child. Our everyday lives revolve around trying to fit in with society so much so that we ignore and ditch the child within. We forget how to love, we forget how to learn, and most importantly we forget how to dream.
What now?
I’ve already done all this to get to where I am right now. All this talk sounds fancy and great to read but I’m not giving up all these years of hard work. Who’s gonna pay my bills? Who’s gonna support my family??
Yeap okay I got that you have all these concerns. And neither is this gonna change overnight. You became this person through all these years of work and effort and clearly all that has gotten you somewhere. But remember that child within? Talk to him or her. Ask her why she’s crying. Ask what can you do to make him smile. Connect with your inner child and you will figure exactly what you need to do. Talk to him everyday, and maybe one day he will start laughing again.
Reflections
I found this while I was clearing out my room and throwing out old things, to make way for some new. I’m not entirely sure when I wrote it but I have a vague memory of writing it while travelling on a train in India sometime in 2014/2015.
Although this was written in the past, reading this felt like it was written for the present me. Every word struck such a chord and resonated so deeply. As if my past self knew I would end up in this state of monotony and purposelessness, and decided to write this to pull me out of that state. Especially at a point where I follow no religion or philosophy, it seems only right that wisdom has to come from no other source but myself.
Reading this made me want to listen to my own advice, from the past, in talking to the inner child. I have lost him already, no idea which part of myself he even exists in. But I need to find him and tell him it is gonna be ok. And find ways of reviving him, feeding his soul. Thank you my past. You were a wise man. I hope to gain your wisdom one day.
Keep glitching.