Hello again. It is the time of the year for my annual birthday writing.
I literally have not written anything at all this year. Damn adulting really took over huh…or maybe I just haven’t really been motivated by anything enough to write about it.
I guess in the past writing used to be form of an outlet for me. A way to get out my thoughts in a way that I could make sense of them. Sometimes it was due to an interesting thought or theory that I might have come up with. And sometimes a way for me to vent certain frustrations. So I guess in a way I have found other memes means of dealing with my own thoughts and frustrations and did not really need to be writing.
But to be honest, I haven’t really spent time thinking deeply about anything in particular. No thought has particularly lingered in my head long enough for me to write about it. Nothing has really bothered me for a long time. Nothing has hurt me too much. Nothing has impressed or amazed me either. Nothing at all has really caught my attention.
Is this what adulting is?
Status Update
Hmmm where shall I start?
I guess let me start with the most significant thing that happened this year:
Another relationship ended.
At this point people are not even surprised. Somehow it is almost a part of my identity that my relationships don’t last. Some bothered to ask how I am doing and all, but it seemed like most couldn’t really give two shits about it. Ah well people don’t give two shits about most things either way, what is another of Rama’s relationships in the grand scheme of things.
In fact, even I hardly gave two shits about my own breakup. Well, yes I was looking to marry this girl at some point the next year. Yes I did plan for a future with her, for maybe a good 5 years down the road. Yes I did have a wedding rings board on Pinterest. Yes my heart was broken when she ended it. Yes I did start having major anxiety ever since. BUT one thing that helped me deal with all of that, is my strong grounding in nihilism (as well as better mental health, which I will elaborate later).
The fundamental belief that there is absolutely no meaning to anything in life, serves as a reminder that life is too short to let the trivialities of it affect how you lead it. We are constantly trying to find purpose in order to excel in something and we tend to forget how caught up we get in our own narrow realities unable to see the bigger reality.
Striving for excellence is important. But having a firm footing in reality is equally crucial. The only way to climb is to climb with others. In no way should we step on the heads of others in trying to reach for the stars. Growth should be organic and stem from honesty, experience and hardwork. There are NO SHORTCUTS.
And while we might tell ourselves that this is our life and we get to set the rules and live it in the way we want to, don’t forget that we are a tiny speck in this vast system of a universe and the amount of autonomy we have over our thoughts and actions are quite negligible. The far wiser thing to do is to surround ourselves with individuals who push us and make us grow out of our comfort zones and are also happy to spend time and share the ride with us.
Personal Growth
That being said I think the amount of personal growth in the last one year has been incredibly significant. I do find myself to have become a lot more mature in my thought, actions and decisions. I have also very little patience with people and things that do not sit right with me. “Fix it or forget it” is my mantra. There is no point thinking and overthinking things that have hardly any impact on your life. Certain things might have slightly greater impact, nevertheless action is much more valuable in any situation than unnecessary thought.
Another significant part of my personal growth is setting boundaries. I used to be really bad at setting boundaries with others. Especially with those whom I loved and trusted the most. I always believed in giving myself entirely to others in order to form the deepest most meaningful connections. While I had formed deep connections, my kindness has also been taken for granted, abused and disrespected. And while it is important to give love and be kind, it is equally important to ensure that certain lines are not crossed and the love and respect is mutual. The moment it is not, it starts to become toxic and damaging to both parties, and will lead to much hurt and disappointment.
And lastly, having better mental health. I have not touched the topic of mental health in the past, mainly because I knew too little about the topic to be able to talk about it. I also had a very strong opinion that the mental health fad was just some marketing bullshit (which it still is to some extent, just look at the number of wellness apps and programmes). However, in the past year I have learnt to truly understand the state of my mental health.
There was a moment earlier this year, where I suffered from a horrible crippling migraine while alone in the land of Bangkok, unable to even eat a single meal without throwing up. I was doing a solo trip, in the hopes of clearing my mind and gaining some clarity on the things at hand that were troubling me at that point in time. Little did I expect to be lying on the floor of my hotel room in pain struggling to gather the strength to walk to the toilet. While the experience was intensely horrifying, it gave me a strange insight into my general mental state.
I came to realise that for a large part of my life, since childhood, I have been suffering from anxiety and depression. While these terms are a lot more recent, I feel like I have unknowingly been fighting it for the longest time. While I still do struggle with it, I have become more aware of it, to know what to do and what to avoid in order to help me deal with that state of mind.
I have previously dealt with it through all sorts of external stimuli, from cigarettes to alcohol to weed to meditation to music to sex. And I have been equally addicted to all of these, yes meditation included. And this is the first time I am dealing with my mental health without going to my vices, through healthier more sustainable means. I have been exercising, eating healthy, intermittent fasting, having regular sleep schedules, and regular social interactions with deep meaningful conversations. All these take effort and do not provide any form of instant relief, but they have made my general mental state far less volatile and a lot more stable. Might do a seperate post on this at some point if I feel like.
One last little point that I am proud of is my physical health. I had gained tremendous weight in the past years while I was going though some shitty phases, and I have managed to lose significant weight and also am at the peak of my fitness since my army days. Long way to go but proud of where I am at right now in terms of my fitness.
Areas for Improvement
One thing I need to do more is allow my mind to wander more freely. I need to stop bombarding my mind with information and give it some free room to think and imagine and create thoughts. I need to be more of a creator than a consumer. I would say social media has become a significant part of my life and while being seemingly connected with other individuals is greatly enticing, I also need to spend more time creating more valuable connections outside of social media.
Discipline and time management is also another crucial thing I need to work on. Currently, a large part of my day is just work and some relaxation, apart from the days that I gym and go for music classes. I should start waking up earlier to devote some time to vocal practices. I also need to be more wise in how I spend my commuting time. While it is easy to waste it away on social media, I should be more mindful of how that affects my energy levels in general.
Lastly I need to work on building more meaningful positive social connections. Currently I do have some strong social connections but I realise I can be quite a bore of a friend sometimes. I feel like I need to start being more empathetic again and connect with different individuals on the levels that can relate to them. I should also try actively socialising outside my circle of friends whom I am comfortable with, and also reconnect with friends and acquaintances from the past, who I suck at keeping in touch with.
And that is all on the annual episode of Rama reflects about his life on his birthday. Apologise if the writing is not as coherent as the past, I have admittedly gotten a little rusty. Feel like there is a lot more I want to write about, but it is time for me to catch some Netflix and chill. See you again next year.
Keep glitching.