It’s already April??! Is this year flying by or what?

In the span of 3 months so much has happened. So much.

I’ve quit my job. Twice. Yea that’s right worked 3 jobs within 3 months. Released a major music project, which was one of my personal bests. Performed 2 carnatic concerts. Attended couple of other really fantastic shows. Took up 2 significant photography projects, after more than a year of hiatus. Travelled and did some scuba diving. Finished a fatass book about human history. Became an atheist/nihilist. All in the midst of getting through one of the shittiest of breakups.

Guess the last line explains why I had so much happening in my life. Not being the most social of people, a lack of a partner gives me incredible amounts of time for myself. This has been both good and bad.

Good because I finally got the time and space to connect with myself, and build back the relationship with myself, which I had neglected for too long. A good understanding and relationship with the self is crucial in the building up confidence and clarity in a world full of rotten egos that constantly try to sway you. In many moments of just sitting alone in a cafe reading a book, or simply walking around listening to music and observing people, I experienced very strong connections with my own nature. Even my relationship with alcohol has improved tremendously, with nothing to hide I drink and get drunk and enjoy it instead of fearing I might humiliate myself. I have had so many conversations with just myself, out loud. My thought processes have gained clarity purely through such conversations with myself.

Bad because on some days it can get fucking lonely. Horribly depressing and lonely. That too with the absence of God to comfort me (newfound atheism is quite a bummer), shitty times can get really shitty. Especially when you need to put up an “I’m okay” front at home otherwise you get a million questions from your mum. Or a million other questions if you’re not home and come back late cause you just wanna sit somewhere outside for a while. I guess it is good in a way where it forces you to not spiral downwards, like I’ve done in my hostel days.

Nevertheless, some days you just wanna be sad. Soak in that emotion. In the loneliness. Let it consume you, completely. Welcome that darkness, that old friend that never left. For a few moments, you experience that helplessness, lie there accepting the harsh realities of life. And then you just pick yourself up back, wash your face and get back to life.

Moments like that connect you to reality, to the reality of life. To the temporal nature of things, and your eventual demise. It brings clarity to your existence. Makes you understand yourself better, and a little more about the ones around you.

I wouldn’t say I’ve gained clarity on life or my purpose or anything. I’m still lost, relatively. But minimally I know what I don’t want. I know the things that don’t deserve to be part of my life. I know which toxic environments and relationships to detach myself from. Even if it means risking the chance of going unemployed, losing a friendship or going broke. I am clear that my state of mind and being holds strong before anything else, and anything that is not helping with that growth is not worth investing into.

For the first time in my life, I have put myself before anyone or anything else. I always used to value others and their respect and relationships, putting myself after them to be the better person. But right now I don’t give a fuck. If you owe me money better pay me up, I don’t give a shit about losing a relationship over 100 bucks. If you owe me an apology, you better fucking apologise I’m not going to try and fix things. If you can’t provide me what I want, which usually is not much, then don’t waste my fucking time.

Just know that even though I might be lost, unstable and imbalanced, you ain’t gonna ever get the chance to walk over me.

In the past I’ve always believed that competition was stupid. Why compete with one another, when we should be helping one another achieve what we want to. Well the reality of things is a little more nuanced. Of course we should be helping one another, but we should also only be playing to winning. Otherwise, you might as well get out of the game. And the reason is because the ones who believe that everything is a competition, are the ones who are running the game. So the only way to change the game, is to beat them.

With everything in life, there is always a winner and a loser. And sometimes it is clear when you are on the losing end of a battle. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to let you win without a fight. Destroy me for all I care, I will still put up the best fight I can, and do everything to win.

Should be getting to sleep now. Next topic will be a much more detailed explanation on the choice of atheism, how I got there, and how it has changed my perspectives and behaviour.

Tata.