I’m almost hitting 25. The magical number of adulthood. The time when we boldly step into the life that we choose for ourselves. The moment where we look back and see all that we have achieved, and continue on the path that we have formulated. There’s a small problem though.

I don’t know who I am.

Lately I’ve been observing others more. The lives and relationships and motivations of others. Well, technically I have always been doing that. Minus sporadic moments where I feel absolutely myself, I hardly ever assert my individuality in any situation. I am more curious about others and who they are as individuals, what shapes them and motivates them, and how they assert their individuality. In moments where I have to display individuality, it is just some temporary individuality that exists for the moment, without any form of consistency. Who I am is generally dependent on who I’m with, how I’m feeling, what time I woke up, what I had for lunch, and a multitude of other factors.

Plus there always has been that weird insecurity that I might not be accepted for who I am. There are many aspects of me that I would consider weird. And as much as your average millennial is going to tell you to be proud of your eccentricities and own it, growing up has taught me otherwise. In fact, I have always celebrated my individuality in an open and public way. But beyond a point, and by that I mean beyond an age, society starts becoming more conforming. Your social circle of friends whom you thought to be equally weird and eccentric start becoming more “normal”. Ideas, thoughts and opinions start becoming more or less aligned, and eccentric thoughts and behaviours aren’t entertained as much as before (not like it was much to begin with). So in a way, you have to learn to be private with your eccentricities, or risk losing any form of respect that you might have gotten over the years.

And why is that so important? Why is that respect or dignity of any importance? Because that’s where you earn trust. That’s where you earn credibility. That’s when others will want to work with you, and maybe even work for you. Only with that respect is it possible to make an impact. Sometimes people make do with fear and manipulation. But that doesn’t really go too far. So being honest, hardworking, credible, and making true positive impact is the way to build respect and work with the best of the best.

But even then it is not so easy. Being a good honest person is only half of it. The other half is how do you handle not-so-good people. Who do you trust? Who do you respect? Who do you want to work with and be good and honest for? What is your price? What can you tolerate and what can’t you? These are important questions as they determine our actions in many situations. A lot of times we end up letting people take us for a ride, at least in my case, without realising that we are the ones that are letting them do so. And this is because we don’t know the answers to these questions. We don’t know what we want and we let them have what they want. Sometimes at the expense of ourselves. I’m not saying that it is wrong to give in to others, or do things for others more than what they do for us.

Do it consciously.

You need to have self awareness to be able to find that balance. Knowing exactly who you are, what you want, and what you need to do to get there, is merely an understanding of the mind. It is a relationship of trust and communication that needs to be built over time. And just like any relationship, if you start lying to your mind, then your mind stops trusting you, and telling you what it wants. If you tell it that this will be the last cigarette, and then proceed to buy a pack the day after, the mind will note the lie you made to it. And in future, you would be less likely to make it your last cigarette, cause even your mind gives up on you after a point.

So I am going to begin now. Begin rebuilding my relationship with my mind. Trying to become more conscious of the actions and decisions that I make. Of the paths that I choose, and the ways that I act and react. And hopefully, this relationship will allow me to find the answers to the question: Who am I?