It has been a while since I have posted anything at all, with a lot of half written posts that are simply drafted and pending. Last night I just decided that I should sit down and take some time to reflect about the things that 2016 has thought me, and also jot down some of the aspirations for the year ahead.

2016 has been one of the craziest and most impactful years in my life. So much has happened within the span of 365 days. Starting early with the unveiling of the Grandeur Design which had reshaped my entire idea of what the purpose of life was, to the more subtle unfolding of what turned out to be one of the most significant relationships of my life, to going through hell with the last two semesters in Uni and graduating with a decent grade, completing a significant milestone in Carnatic music and finding a new Guru to guide me further, actually getting employed after graduation at an AI company. Too much has happened that I probably can’t even recall everything.

But through all that which happened through the year, there are a few important things that I learnt (as cliche as this sounds) which probably have changed me indefinitely.

Relationships matter most

Something that I wanted to cover in the part 2 of the OS Update post, but never got around to. If there’s a single theme that resonated most throughout the entire year that I have never paid attention to before, it is the value of relationships. I learnt that regardless of how much of a genius you are, regardless of how talented or brilliant you are, a lonely path is one that is not worth traversing. You could have the potential to uncover the deepest darkest most well hidden secrets of the universe. But without the companion, friend, parent or brother by your side to share it with, that discovery is as good as nothing, for no one will be able to share your happiness and excitement.

It is the relationships that move you forward, they are the ones that bring you places, build your connections, allow your thoughts and ideas to traverse beyond boundaries, and at the end of it all, they are the ones whom make you who you are. The universe is an interconnected system, where even the furthest star can influence the occurrences in our everyday life. So why neglect the stars that surround you everyday?

I moved through phases throughout the year, becoming a social butterfly that I had never been previously, to becoming somewhat an extrovert, and then experiencing an instantaneous realisation which led to an ego death, making me a more down to earth person than ever before, to wearing my heart on a sleeve, then getting that same heart hurt and torn apart being barely able to breath, and then becoming the introverted guarded person that I once used to be, and finally after another major realisation, opening up to the beautiful kind souls that surround me and learning to accept their flaws and shortcomings and at the same time loving them all the same.

The emotional journey that I had gone through this year has been unlike anything ever before. Revealing to me the deeply rooted insecurities that I possess, and showing me the darker more sinister sides to my personality. Nevertheless, revelation is necessary for growth, and my pursuit for constant growth has been fuelled by the emotional rollercoaster that I had been on over the past year.

At the end of it all, I pray for more patience and understanding and acceptance, to allow me to connect at a deeper level with individuals, and not let ego get in the way. Which brings me to my next point.

Ego cannot be eliminated

For a large part of my spiritual and intellectual journey over the year before, I strongly believed that ego was something that can be let go of. Something that can be disintegrated into non-existence, allowing the mind and soul to be liberated from the clutches of the systematic rigidity that we live in. However, one needs to probably go far away from society itself, like what Buddha did, denouncing all external attachments including family, friends and material pleasures, in order to be able to let go of ego. It is not impossible, I believe that it is very much possible to do so. Ego can be eliminated.

However, that would go against my first realisation, that relationships matter the most. Denouncing all attachments and venturing into the mountains in order to eliminate ego might be much much easier than letting go of ego in a constantly connected world with information flowing through our palms every second, people constantly interacting with us, pushing and pulling at our soul from multiple directions at all times. With all that happening, our soul can get easily crushed without an ego. With the soul crushed, one cannot go out to achieve his or her true purpose. Especially when you see the ill-purposes that are being achieved by those with an ego, clearly there needs to be some amount of ego in order to stand against these fuckers and fight the good fight.

One can sit by a corner and say that you need to forgive and accept and acknowledge the presence of evil as well as good in the world, but being good and doing nothing while watching the evil doings happening, is probably worse than being evil. At least they are doing something, as fucked up as it might be they have the drive and motivation to be doing something. But if you’re all the good that you claim to be, and not do anything to stand against that, or even willing to take a step in the right direction, you my friend, are worse than evil.

So to a large extent, ego is necessary for functioning in society. At least till technology catches up to validate its non-existence, ego is required to be a functioning member of society, and needs to exist to a certain degree. But since the mind is like a garden, ego can grow wild and prevent the other plants from blooming if not taken care of. In the right amounts, it enhances the mental ecosystem. Let it take over, and you’ve an uncontrollable parasite that will completely inhibit the growth of any other plant in the garden.

Just have fun

Having grown up not playing many games or sports, I’ve always taken life a tad bit too seriously. Always analysing conversations and scenarios, people and places, thoughts and actions, trying to make sense out of even the mundane and giving things meaning and understanding just for my own satisfaction. I was never really comfortable with just hanging out with people and chilling, or playing a game for the fun of it, or playing a sport just to relax. The idea of fun or relaxation meant doing nothing to me, like how I used to spend a lot of my holidays as a kid, as I found doing something must have meaning and purpose and thus a relaxed approach would add to nothing.

But as life always does, it taught me that even the things that you put your heart and soul into doing, can add to nothing and become meaningless at some point. And the things that one does without any intended outcome, can turn out to be the most rewarding experience. It is often the case where many hobbyists or passionate individuals try to turn their passion into something professional, thinking that they can have fun for the rest of their lives, but end up finding it really hard to make ends meet. This happens precisely because many think that what relaxes and gives them happiness will always continue to do so. But when it becomes a matter of putting bread on the table, suddenly the idea of it is not very fun anymore and the pressure starts to add up, making one sometimes despise the very things that made them happy.

As cliche as it is gonna sound again, life is short. I realised that for a large part of my life I’ve been taking a lot of things too seriously and not letting myself have fun with it. Having fun is accepting failure. Having fun is picking yourself back up and trying again. Having fun is having that playful competitiveness. Having fun is having sportsmanship. Having fun is giving yourself a break once in a while. Having fun is about letting go of the past.

Having fun is about living in the moment.

Looking ahead

Looking ahead into the new year, these realisations and thoughts are something that I want to keep close with me, not forgetting them while I venture into the places and worlds that I have always dreamt of going into. 2017 is going to be an extremely exciting year with much possibilities and directions opening up. With so many avenues that can open up, I sincerely hope and pray that the ones I love and care about the most will be there by my side to support me in my ventures.

I thank God, one whom I after a long time have come to believe in, for giving me the strength and guidance to endure through the past year. Your constant presence has always been there with me and within me, giving me the resilience to take every step forward, in bringing the world to a better place. Please be there, not just for me but also the loved ones around me, in guiding us forward and bringing us closer to the state that you exist in.

Thank you for all the ups and downs 2016, I look forward to a brilliant and beautiful year ahead!

Keep glitching!