There is this phenomenon known as the “Imposter Syndrome”. It is when an individual, generally a high-achieving individual, is convinced that all achievements were a result of luck, timing or some external factor, and whole heartedly believe that they are in reality an undeserving fraud. They live in the notion that somehow they have managed to convince others that they are of a certain level of talent or success, while in reality they are merely pretenders and imposters feigning this success.

And in the advent of this technological age of Photoshop and Instagram Filters, it is not too hard to doctor reality to suit a certain idea of life that would garner likes. We see this everywhere, with Instagram idols and Snapchat stars popping up every now and then. But how much of their online lives is a lie? We never truly know, as all that we see are the success stories beneath the rest of them.

And over the past few weeks, I see myself in the same place. A complete absolute lie. Someone who has simply hyped himself up with no substantial amount of talent or skill to get anywhere. Nothing in particular that I excel at. No one characteristic that anyone can identify me with, other than “the cool guy” maybe, and even that is a lie. I am far from cool. I am far from a musician. Far from a designer. Far from a programmer. Far from a photographer. Far from anything substantial at all. And at this stage, it has become seriously worrying.

Being a lie, being not truly good at anything, has both pros and cons to it. Given that I can package myself well, I could probably get opportunities at a slightly higher rate than others. However, living up and making the most out of these opportunities is entirely up to my personal level of competence. Given the opportunity, if I fuck it up, that’s really on me. And that’s really not adding much to my credibility either. People start uncovering your fraudulence. Yes, I do believe that I am a fraud. Possibly a case of imposter syndrome, which I have given thought to, but in reality I can’t even consider myself a high achieving individual to be displaying imposter syndrome.

Over the past few months, I have underperformed in everything. Or rather in the fear of failure, I have simply not even attempted to perform. In academics, I completely stayed away from daunting mathematics and technicalities that I was afraid I am too stupid to grasp. My intelligence is a lie. In music, I have shown close to no progress as a musician in any way, unable to keep up to the monthly musical projects that I had planned to do. My musicianship is a lie. In projects, I have done nothing more than mindless formatting and designs to carry the team, essentially being of no true value to any team at all. I have yet to find a job, cause I am too afraid to even start applying. My grades are slipping, because I am too afraid to study and fail. And my entire social circle, with exception to a few individuals, is a complete lie of fraudulent friends whom are far from genuine.

I am a lie. How much of a lie are you?