Around two weeks back, Windows released a new update which resulted in my laptop going bonkers. It did not crash, but it just became EXTREMELY SLOW. The extent of this was devastating. I had to wait 30 minutes for “My Documents” to be opened. Yes, it was that bad. My laptop became pretty much dysfunctional. My baby of almost 5 years, the beast that I have had my entire life on (well at least the more significant part of it). And the tough decision had to be made.

A complete clean reformat of the entire system.

This meant a complete wipe of my entire hard drive, erasing everything that I had installed on it through the years which have facilitated my various activities. I made some attempts of backing up the data, but end of the day the data was merely data. It was the environment that was going to be lost. The personality and attributes that made up the laptop. The software.

It was a very reflective few days, going through the idea of a reformat. I knew it had to be done. I had tried every other means of restoring the system back to its old conditions to no avail. There was no other choice. A part of me will be wiped out forever. It was a bittersweet feeling. I knew that everything will be lost, at the same time the idea of a new beginning was inspiring. A clean system meant that I can change the way I did things now. Drop some of the old habits and start fresh with the new ones. I could organise folders differently. I could arrange my music differently. I could have better software installed, less annoying ones. I will be able to build up my entire software environment from ground-zero.

That’s when I realised that life was not too far from a laptop.

Not too long ago, I had a life-changing experience which did a complete reformat of my entire philosophy of life. I got stripped to the core and my entire hard drive was erased. I saw the entire universe in a completely different light, like a child being born into the world. Everything was new and foreign, and I had the opportunity to recreate my entire life. I had the opportunity to shape my life in a completely radical fashion which was different from what I used to run on before. I could upgrade my OS, or downgrade it. I could have decided to run on Linux even, changing everything that I had gotten used to. I can choose to be an extrovert, instead of an introvert. I can choose to focus on education instead of music. I can choose to plan out my days in a more systematic and orderly fashion instead of letting things happen as they happen. I could build myself up brick-by-brick in a completely different way, changing everything about my personality and nature.

It was a complete clean reformat of the entire system.

But I was lost. Lost in the endless possibilities that life could unfold in. Lost in the endless paths that I could take. Lost in the infinite permutations and combinations of decisions that I could take, directly affecting the nature and performance of my system. I did not know where to go. I did not know what was right and what was wrong. I did not know which decisions were good and which were bad. I could not evaluate. For I was clean. Completely non-judgmental  towards past experiences and problems. Those experiences were a result of the past decisions that I had made, so allowing them to affect my current decisions would simply be illogical. Those errors and glitches were a direct result of the environment that the software was running in at that point in time. Now I was clean, fresh and new. There were no past errors. There is no software. I can make the conscious decision to either adopt Windows or Linux. I could decide if I should meditate or smoke to relieve stress. I could decide if I should do complete my assignment or spend time with my friends. These are fresh decisions made in a completely different environment with no links whatsoever to past problems and experiences. This was why I was lost.

Nothing was impossible. Every path could be the right path. Every way could be the right way. I knew my heart and intentions were in the right place, and my operating system was extremely stable. So I knew that any decision made can turn out good or bad, and I had the ability to handle that when the issue arises. But end of the day I still had to make decisions as to how I was going to lead my life.

So I fell into the trap that any human would. The trap of familiarity.

I went back to everything that I was familiar with. Meditation, smoking, friends, drinking, love, coding, design, etc. It was a life mixed with various elements that were prominent in my past. Some elements that I had previously gotten rid of, and some elements that I had only recently began to embrace and accept into my life. And these multiple permutations and combinations are leaving me in a confused state where I am unsure of my next course of action. As I have seen how these various elements in my life interact with each other resulting in how I am on a day-to-day basis, I am unsure which is the negative and which is the positive. And again, the endless possibilities and outcomes of the various decisions that I make scares me. I want to embrace life again but I am afraid of the unknown for the first time. I am unsure of what I need to keep and what I need to delete. I am unsure of what is good and bad. Just like a newborn child.

I guess only time will tell, and every new error that arises needs to be fixed in some way, leading to further decisions that will further modify the environment. Eventually, hopefully, I end up where I need to be. For now, I need to focus on the task at hand, and ask myself:

“What is your dharma?”

If you could rebuild your entire personality and nature, brick-by-brick, how would you do it?

Keep glitching (: