I am crushed. Completely absolutely crushed. My heart is hanging on a few lone threads trying to find reason to continue. Once again I am lost. In a downward spiral. In a dark place that I had once vowed never to return to. The fire that was once burning bright within is now a flickering little flame. The hope and reason that I found once has now come to haunt me as a mere illusion. Everything that seemed so real and certain is now just a speck of dust in the vast ocean of uncertainty.

There was a time which came a couple of months ago, when I had resolved to make something out of myself. To change from my lazy and meaningless lifestyle in order to find a new purpose and strive to become a better person. I dropped a few of my old habits which I knew were not getting me anywhere, and I picked up a few which I saw myself thriving in. I started meditating regularly, reading more, started this blog to write more, created my own page, took on vast challenging experiences which pushed me beyond my capabilities, lost my ego, found a new one, lost my girlfriend, found a new one, lost my identity, found a new one. Everything had changed. And the reason for all that change was three letters.

GPA.

Since young, grades have always taken a first priority in my life. I was naturally academic. I understood concepts fast, and did really well in math and science. I was logical by nature and it allowed me to outperform my peers in most exams without any form of revision whatsoever, at the elementary level. I would easily be the top in my class for most subjects, except English. Apparently I sucked at writing. But eventually I did well enough to enter one of the top institutions in Singapore, Raffles Institution, attaining the bare minimum cut-off score to get accepted.

And then at the secondary school level, I started losing focus on academics. It required a little more effort than the elementary level. I needed to be a little more hardworking, acing exams effortlessly became much harder and I started doubting my intelligence a little. Nevertheless I always managed to scrape through with decent grades. They were not fantastic, nor were they too bad. I started accepting that I was just lazy and if I were to put in more effort I could do better.

Coming from Raffles Institution, I did not have to take the darned O’level examinations which most other secondary schools required. It was an effortless stroll into one of the top junior colleges in Singapore, one that I never believed myself to be worthy of. As I saw these numerous students getting perfect grades on their O’levels to get into Raffles, I often found myself thinking that if I had to take the O’levels I could have never been able to attain such good scores.

Throughout Junior college, I flunked a majority of my exams. I hardly had any motivation to study, and ended up distracting myself with a social life and various other wasteful activities. I would skip lectures to go play pool, or go drinking after school while being underage. I was excited and amazed at the vast possibilities around me. Books were just too boring. Once again I studied enough to scrape through most of my major exams, but never really did well. I was doing this until the biggest exam of my life came, the A’levels.

Fear took over. I cannot afford to fuck this up. My dreams are tagged to this exam. My life is tied to this exam. I cannot fuck this up. So I studied. I started two months before my exams. But I went head-on into it. I left everything. I submerged myself in books and notes and formulas and practice papers. I detached myself from anyone who was not helping me academically. I became closer to, and maybe even led on, a few girls whom I knew could help me academically. I became the person I despised. But I knew it was temporary. And somehow it worked. Sort of. I managed to get quite decent grades eventually, and all that closing up and constant academic endeavor paid of. Once again they were not fantastic, but good enough to get me where I wanted to go.

I got a place in Singapore University of Technology and Design. And to my surprise they even offered me a scholarship. It was the greatest thing that had happened in my academic life. A scholarship??!! A freakin scholarship?? For me??? My parents were equally blown away. It was the proudest moment in their lives. And it made me so incredibly happy to see them that happy.

And after that it was two years of brainless national service. No exams, no tests. None of that bullshit. It was wild and crazy. Picked up smoking. Drank like a motherfucker. Clubbed every weekend. Found my first girlfriend. It was the partying phase of my life and I made sure I lived it to the fullest. It was also the time that I picked up photography and music, since I had insane amounts of free time. It was not anything serious, just a hobby. But one that I was quite passionate about.

And then university began. It was amazing. Quite perfect. I was happy with where I was. I had a good relationship going on. My grades were not too bad. I was continuing photography and music quite passionately. First year went pretty well. And then in the second year, everything came tumbling down. Suddenly my life was not perfect any longer. My two year relationship had ended in a horrendous and devastating way. My heart was smashed, and I could not even bother picking up the pieces. My grades were the least of my priorities. I had to find myself. That was of greater importance. And I lost all motivation to perform academically. I started skipping lessons. Pretty much all of them. There were one or two classes that I liked which I would go for. I did not submit assignments. I wrote exams halfheartedly.

And sometime in the later half of my second year, the inevitable happened. I received my first warning on my scholarship. I had been underperforming and it was time for me to buck up. It was supposed to be a wake up call. A sign for me to get my shit together. So I tried. Not really. I was still skipping lessons. Still not submitting homework. I hardly put in any effort. I thought I would pull through as usual. Like I have been all my life. I thought my grades would be decent. But my GPA dropped again.

So I resolved to change my life completely. I started working hard. I started attending lessons. I started doing homework. I started taking notes. I started exercising. I quit smoking. I quit drinking. I picked up meditation. I focused on music. On studies and music. And a little more music. I wanted to become a musician. But I needed to graduate first. So I told myself to focus on studies. I know I did not perform fantastically. But I was satisfied with my improvement. I knew there will definitely be an improvement in my GPA.

Until an hour ago. When I saw my grades I died a little. I did worse than my previous semester. Worse than the semester that I skipped the majority of classes and didn’t submit the majority of assignments. Worse than the semester that I was smoking up every other day and getting drunk every week. Worse than the times that I had no purpose or motivation in life.

I don’t get it. It does not make any sense to me. This is completely ridiculous even from an objective point of view. And I don’t know what to do. Usually improvement can be observed through progress. But in this case I have deteriorated from my previous state, regardless of my change in lifestyle. I don’t know what more is needed. I don’t know how far I need to fall before I rise. I am lost. Crushed.

I know I can pick myself and continue forward. But I am travelling down an unknown path again. Once again I do not know what is right and what is wrong. I do not know what I need to do to get where I want to be. I do not know where I need to head to be able to realize my dreams.

Show me a way. Please.