That is what our universe is made out of. A really magnificent designer worked pretty hard to build this universe just to be enjoyed by others. Others of his capabilities. Gods, Masters, angels whatever you may wish to call them. And everything is made by that one fella.

Everything carved by the same artist. Everything written by the same poet. Everything composed by the same musician.

Everything given just the right tinge of the right things and the wrong things. And that plays out in the design. Not the particles. The particles are the same. But the artist determines what flavour he wishes to add where. He knows how to unravel his grandeur masterpiece. He knows which are the right knobs which will be turned at the right time to unravel the next scene.

The Gods watch as scene by scene unfolds, going through a roller coaster ride with the grandeur design. When they expect everything to crumble. That’s when it rises from the ashes again. And then again and again. And somewhere in one scene in one little corner Earth happened.

In the split second of the grandeur production, Earth happened. Life began on Earth. And then man came. Whether by evolution or genesis depends on whether you were watching that corner when man happened. Man then started experiencing life. Started becoming more and more aware about the patterns around him. I mean coincidences could explain it but it really cannot always be coincidence.

Life does sorta roll out on a rather phenomenal way, and you can tell it was orchestrated and masterfully crafted. Everyone knew it. Every particle knew it. Man wanted more. Man wanted to understand the grandeurity of the grand design around him. They all took different roles. Some picked religeon where it straight out tells you there is a God who crafted the universe. But religeon struggled to help everyone find God amidst their definite knowledge of it. And so some picked science, where physics formed the basis upon which every science was built. In the formal theoretical way that everything was formalised in science, they thought if we nailed it in science we can nail the design of the universe. Of course even if they did manage to nail it, only that odd God in the middle row left corner might have noticed and smirked to himself.  Heh.

But even with science, man got stuck numerous times. Even the core science of quantum physics, which is the thread upon which reality is built upon, gets stuck at “Gravity”. Science couldn’t work as well.

Maybe the problem lied in man himself. Man wasn’t capable of reaching the scale of perceiving the design. So some men tried spirituality. They saw glimpses of the grandeur. Enough to convince them that there is a brilliant artist behind it. But not enough to convince the rest of humanity about it.

And then some who saw the grandeur tried imitating it. They wrote plays, composed music, painted art, built buildings. Some of them worked hard on it, becoming really masters of their craft and making masterpieces. They experimented continuously trying to make what the universe is made of. They know what it is like, but creating such brilliance takes some time. So they collaborated with people whom understood the grandeur design a little, and built even better master pieces. While some barely scratched the surface in the form of trashy pop songs, some became timeless classics. Grandeur design fit for the human perception. One that man could appreciate, be inspired enough to seek the true design. Of course these little masterpieces were brilliant, but they barely scratched the tip of the grandeur design.

As the masterpieces got better and better, man’s perception of the grand design got better as well. Man wanted more. Perceive more. Faster and better. That brought the birth of technology.

Technology became the most crucial factor in accelerating man’s growth. Technology is the steroids that man takes to be able to go the long road. Technology is the wheel that helps man cover a little more ground on the same effort. Technology is the new Asics sneakers that comforts you for the long run. Technology is the little Facebook reminder that tells you it’s your good buddy’s birthday when you’re too caught up with the more complex intricacies. Technology evolved with man. Whenever man became better technology had to keep up. When technology became better man could grow. They became intertwined. Almost one but still as two.

In the midst of intertwining with man, technology became intertwined with everything about man. All the great magnificent things of the past became amplified and pumped up. Music got refined, screens got highly defined, life got redesigned. And in the complex new level that technology has intertwined with man, man rose to another level. A little higher, a little better able to see the grandeurity of the universe.

But technology then started lagging. It couldn’t keep up with man. The minds are made of stuff much more complex than the minds of the technology. Humans became fixated on technology. Everything throws an error. Everything has a glitch. Everything failed to satisfy the human craving for perception of the grandeur design. Man did not become a mindless zombie, man is just waiting for technology to grow further so that he can grow further.

That is where we are right now. Fixated on our phones and devices and technologies to empower us with the next dosage to get to a higher level. We wanna go places but these technologies aren’t exactly empowering what the is already capable of achieving. Technologies need to improve twofold, maybe even threefold. And it is not happening. Goodness I cannot fuckin wait already.

Then we stop.

Take a breath or two. And look around.

And we see it. That grandeurity of the design is right there. Right in the eyes of the child sitting opposite you on the train. Right there in the mother thinking about her child getting back home safe while she is going to work, in order to bring some good food on the dinner table. Right there in the trees that guide your path home everyday. Right there in that nice plate of Mee Goreng you have after some time. Not to forget that ice Milo which goes perfectly with that. That grandeurity is in all of that. In various levels of complexities and intricacies. Not spectacular, but enough for your perception of the design at this moment.

And then you realise that getting to the grandeur is not the greatest challenge. It is getting there with everyone. A solo journey is worthless without the right people. Without the ones you trust your life with. The ones you live for. And the ones you’d die for. At the end whether you see the grandeur or not doesn’t really matter, cause what really matters becomes how much of everyone and everything you carry with you and which are right individuals you support who support other right individuals to grow together towards the grandeurity of things. And in the end everything becomes written and carved in the history of how the world played its role.

And the odd God in the middle row left seat smirked to himself.

I am crushed. Completely absolutely crushed. My heart is hanging on a few lone threads trying to find reason to continue. Once again I am lost. In a downward spiral. In a dark place that I had once vowed never to return to. The fire that was once burning bright within is now a flickering little flame. The hope and reason that I found once has now come to haunt me as a mere illusion. Everything that seemed so real and certain is now just a speck of dust in the vast ocean of uncertainty.

There was a time which came a couple of months ago, when I had resolved to make something out of myself. To change from my lazy and meaningless lifestyle in order to find a new purpose and strive to become a better person. I dropped a few of my old habits which I knew were not getting me anywhere, and I picked up a few which I saw myself thriving in. I started meditating regularly, reading more, started this blog to write more, created my own page, took on vast challenging experiences which pushed me beyond my capabilities, lost my ego, found a new one, lost my girlfriend, found a new one, lost my identity, found a new one. Everything had changed. And the reason for all that change was three letters.

GPA.

Since young, grades have always taken a first priority in my life. I was naturally academic. I understood concepts fast, and did really well in math and science. I was logical by nature and it allowed me to outperform my peers in most exams without any form of revision whatsoever, at the elementary level. I would easily be the top in my class for most subjects, except English. Apparently I sucked at writing. But eventually I did well enough to enter one of the top institutions in Singapore, Raffles Institution, attaining the bare minimum cut-off score to get accepted.

And then at the secondary school level, I started losing focus on academics. It required a little more effort than the elementary level. I needed to be a little more hardworking, acing exams effortlessly became much harder and I started doubting my intelligence a little. Nevertheless I always managed to scrape through with decent grades. They were not fantastic, nor were they too bad. I started accepting that I was just lazy and if I were to put in more effort I could do better.

Coming from Raffles Institution, I did not have to take the darned O’level examinations which most other secondary schools required. It was an effortless stroll into one of the top junior colleges in Singapore, one that I never believed myself to be worthy of. As I saw these numerous students getting perfect grades on their O’levels to get into Raffles, I often found myself thinking that if I had to take the O’levels I could have never been able to attain such good scores.

Throughout Junior college, I flunked a majority of my exams. I hardly had any motivation to study, and ended up distracting myself with a social life and various other wasteful activities. I would skip lectures to go play pool, or go drinking after school while being underage. I was excited and amazed at the vast possibilities around me. Books were just too boring. Once again I studied enough to scrape through most of my major exams, but never really did well. I was doing this until the biggest exam of my life came, the A’levels.

Fear took over. I cannot afford to fuck this up. My dreams are tagged to this exam. My life is tied to this exam. I cannot fuck this up. So I studied. I started two months before my exams. But I went head-on into it. I left everything. I submerged myself in books and notes and formulas and practice papers. I detached myself from anyone who was not helping me academically. I became closer to, and maybe even led on, a few girls whom I knew could help me academically. I became the person I despised. But I knew it was temporary. And somehow it worked. Sort of. I managed to get quite decent grades eventually, and all that closing up and constant academic endeavor paid of. Once again they were not fantastic, but good enough to get me where I wanted to go.

I got a place in Singapore University of Technology and Design. And to my surprise they even offered me a scholarship. It was the greatest thing that had happened in my academic life. A scholarship??!! A freakin scholarship?? For me??? My parents were equally blown away. It was the proudest moment in their lives. And it made me so incredibly happy to see them that happy.

And after that it was two years of brainless national service. No exams, no tests. None of that bullshit. It was wild and crazy. Picked up smoking. Drank like a motherfucker. Clubbed every weekend. Found my first girlfriend. It was the partying phase of my life and I made sure I lived it to the fullest. It was also the time that I picked up photography and music, since I had insane amounts of free time. It was not anything serious, just a hobby. But one that I was quite passionate about.

And then university began. It was amazing. Quite perfect. I was happy with where I was. I had a good relationship going on. My grades were not too bad. I was continuing photography and music quite passionately. First year went pretty well. And then in the second year, everything came tumbling down. Suddenly my life was not perfect any longer. My two year relationship had ended in a horrendous and devastating way. My heart was smashed, and I could not even bother picking up the pieces. My grades were the least of my priorities. I had to find myself. That was of greater importance. And I lost all motivation to perform academically. I started skipping lessons. Pretty much all of them. There were one or two classes that I liked which I would go for. I did not submit assignments. I wrote exams halfheartedly.

And sometime in the later half of my second year, the inevitable happened. I received my first warning on my scholarship. I had been underperforming and it was time for me to buck up. It was supposed to be a wake up call. A sign for me to get my shit together. So I tried. Not really. I was still skipping lessons. Still not submitting homework. I hardly put in any effort. I thought I would pull through as usual. Like I have been all my life. I thought my grades would be decent. But my GPA dropped again.

So I resolved to change my life completely. I started working hard. I started attending lessons. I started doing homework. I started taking notes. I started exercising. I quit smoking. I quit drinking. I picked up meditation. I focused on music. On studies and music. And a little more music. I wanted to become a musician. But I needed to graduate first. So I told myself to focus on studies. I know I did not perform fantastically. But I was satisfied with my improvement. I knew there will definitely be an improvement in my GPA.

Until an hour ago. When I saw my grades I died a little. I did worse than my previous semester. Worse than the semester that I skipped the majority of classes and didn’t submit the majority of assignments. Worse than the semester that I was smoking up every other day and getting drunk every week. Worse than the times that I had no purpose or motivation in life.

I don’t get it. It does not make any sense to me. This is completely ridiculous even from an objective point of view. And I don’t know what to do. Usually improvement can be observed through progress. But in this case I have deteriorated from my previous state, regardless of my change in lifestyle. I don’t know what more is needed. I don’t know how far I need to fall before I rise. I am lost. Crushed.

I know I can pick myself and continue forward. But I am travelling down an unknown path again. Once again I do not know what is right and what is wrong. I do not know what I need to do to get where I want to be. I do not know where I need to head to be able to realize my dreams.

Show me a way. Please.

Bitch better have my money!
Bitch better have my money!
Pay me what you owe me
Bitch better have my (bitch better have my)
Bitch better have my (bitch better have my)
Bitch better have my money!

These are the lyrics to the chorus of the meaningful and profound song by Rihanna called “Bitch better have my money” (surprise surprise). Admittedly quite a catchy song nevertheless. I found myself singing along to “Braap Braap Braap” on quite a number of occasions.

It has become quite a trend in hiphop and rap, to be showing off material wealth and talking about fat stacks of cash all day and all night. And not just in hip hop, but in various other social media trends as well. There are personalities on Instagram whom have gotten famous due to solely the amount of material wealth they show off and spend in numerous ways.

Wealth and material accomplishments have become very closely tied with success, every successful individual being tied to their monetary worth. The big question is always whether he’s worth a million or a billion, and if not who is worth that much. That’s the guy I wanna be like. He’s got everything I can ever dream of. He is living my dream life. I just need to get rich.

And that is usually where an individual starts going downhill. In the pursuit of money and wealth, people get caught up in various lies and deceits promising instant wealth. Become a millionaire in 6 months. Be your own boss, never work for another day in your life. Live your dream life and earn millions from your couch. Sounds a little familiar? These are just the more obvious lies. There are a lot more subtle ones as well. Like banks whom ask you to trust your money with them, so that you can earn some interest out of that money. You don’t need to do anything just leave it in the bank for 10 years and with NO RISK you can earn a couple of thousand dollars. WOW!

And fortunate enough for these banks, and the various sneaky little schemes and quick-money programmes, there are many individuals who wanna get rich, and they wanna get rich in the fastest way. So some of them try out these little schemes and realise this is not getting them anywhere. But they NEED to get rich, or at least look rich. So they turn to consumerism.

Which brings us to the second biggest lie in the world. Buying A will give you happiness. And then maybe B and C as well. They will make your life a little more wholesome. Hold on, everyone has gotten A already. It does not make you any different from the rest. Now you NEED to get D, that is what will make you popular among your friends. Unfortunately, this mindset has been driven into us from young.

Since we start schooling, we grow up with kids from various backgrounds and financial capabilities. One day, the cool kid brings an iPod to class, and all the kids surround him and go “Oh you are so lucky to have such nice parents” and “I wish my parents were as awesome as yours” or “That is so cool, I wish I had one of those”. And in that instant, all you ever wanted is that iPod. So you go home and tell you mum about it, that this kid brought an iPod to school. Your mum knows how much you love gadgets but finances have been a little tight that month so she diverts it to your dad. So now you go to dad and tell him that you want an iPod because your friend brought one to school. Your dad thinks about it and says, “If you do well for your exams, I will get you one”. So you study really hard, wanting that iPod. And when the results come, financial situation is still not too great, so your dad tells you that your grades were not good enough.  And suddenly your parents are not as nice anymore, because your friend had parents who bought it for him just like that. No expectations, no need for grades, no need for a birthday, nothing at all. Simply because he wanted it. And your parents are being unfair to you and not giving you the things that you want.

And you grow up with the same mindset, comparing yourself with the rich kids and complaining about how you can never get the things that they are getting. The consumerism attacks the young with toys and gadgets, the teenagers with fashion, and the adults with brands. The mindset becomes deep-rooted, never really changing even as we grow into adults. We start chasing brands like Prada, Gucci, Versace, trying to keep up with the material possessions of friends whom are in a better financial position. And many a times, we end up trying so hard to look rich, that we don’t realise how poor we really are. Spending all the money we never had to look rich, and giving up everything that we had making us poor. The greatest irony of consumerism. And the funny thing is that, the really really rich people, the ones whom are rolling in billion dollars, spend their money very wisely on things that they can afford. That is how they even got rich in the first place, knowing exactly where they stand and what they can afford. And slowly building the capability over time.

Looking at all this monetary chaos across the world, there is also another group which chooses to disregard money completely and treat it as poison. Let us love and care for one another, we are more than a couple of zeros in our bank. The world needs more love and caring. Let us give and not expect. Let us serve mankind with love and generosity. Let us help the needy and dedicate our lives to embracing the human soul, and stay away from this monster called money. We don’t need that. We are beyond that. Yadayadayada…all too familiar non-profit goals and vision. As much as organisations would like to call themselves non-profit, they still need to make money to support the operating costs and pay the individuals whom work there. At least those whom aren’t volunteers (free labour). So regardless of their unlucrative notion, everything is run by money.

So is money good or bad? I say neither.

Money is the tool, the mediator. It creates the divide between the powerful and the powerless. It separates the influential from the followers. It makes the world go round. For something to be sustainable, it needs to be profitable. For an idea to be a success, it needs to sell. For a person to be influential, he need to be successful and accepted socially as that. If you want to leave a mark in this world, a little dent at the least, money needs to be in the picture for it to be a big enough dent. When something as pure and spiritual as religion needs money to function, how could anyone dismiss the importance of money in the present society. Maybe in a utopian future, we give with no expectations and love one another and care for every child. But in this current world, and for a long time to come, money is the only thing that can and will make a difference.

But how one chooses to use the money, becomes an individual choice. One could either make an impact through establishing personal fame with the money, or he could put that influence into impacting the society, building a rocket to Mars, finding the cure to cancer. The possibilities with money are really endless. Without money it’s all talk and no action.

So make money my friends, but learn to swim before you get rich. Otherwise you could drown in the the very money that you make.

Keep glitching, always keep glitching and learning.