One more revolution around the large hot mass of gas has passed and I have officially completed twenty three rounds.

Yay me.

Birthdays have never particularly been of great significance for me. I lost interest in them as a kid. Saw no reason to celebrate existence. Plus the superficial attempts of making one feel special through material gifts and pleasures just made me despise them even more.

Of course my views changed over time. I learnt that people do value their birthdays, so I tried to make others feel special on their birthdays. And then over time I felt like people just make each other feel special on their birthdays as an endless cycle of reciprocation. I be nice to you, in turn you be nice to me. I host a party, you buy me gifts. So in the end, it sort of cancels out and comes down to nothing.

Which equates to our general significance in this universe. Nothing. Null. Zero.

And yet everyone celebrates their birthday year after year. The one day where they hold significance. Where people whom had disappeared from your existence rise from the day to greet you with a post on your Facebook wall. And all that attention naturally turns it into a different day, something that doesn’t happen everyday.

So this year, I shall accept that my birthday is of significance. And take this space to reflect on what has changed in me since 365 days ago.

Ohh time travel is gonna be fun.

Exactly one year ago, my birthday was not too different. I was sitting at my desk in hostel, finishing up some pending assignment. I had long hair and a full beard. One that I had grown to mask my existence. I was at a point in life where I was completely lost. My self-worth was at it’s lowest, and I focused only on the few things that brought me happiness.

Music. Meditation. Coupled with a few other illicit substances.

The rest of humanity and existence was purely worthless to me. Beauty was a lie. There was only superficiality. Ego. Pride. Fake fucks. Everywhere.

And it was the day after that she entered my life. Slowly but surely she broke every notion I had on life. She showed me beauty. She showed me honesty. She showed me happiness, without the need for substances. She showed me love, in a world which had swallowed me up. She pulled me out of a vortex, just by existing.

The next few months were miraculous. I was still completely lost, but now there was also this phenomenal company. Once again I lost myself in something that I had no control over. How dumb of me, trying to have all the pleasures in the world with no pain.

I felt invincible, and worthless at the same time. It was a strange concoction. I had it all, and yet I had nothing. I was incredibly happy, and yet greatly depressed. It was madness. Lovely lovely madness.

Months passed to some time in May, when the fabric holding the madness broke. And everything came crashing down. And that very day I realised, that beneath all the external pleasures that I had held on to so dearly, I was nothing.  I was a nobody. I had no worth and no real impact on any life. If I were to be left on an island alone, I would not wanna do anything but to accept my fate and die. I hated myself. I hated what I became. I hated what I was.

And I decided hate cannot get me anywhere. So I worked to change. To change that hate into love. To change what used to define me into distant memories. To change myself into a better me. To give myself some worth. Take care of myself. Eliminate the negativity within one by one.

Slowly, I tried loving myself. And everytime I found something I didn’t like, I changed it. Cause who’s got the power to change you, but yourself. And in those next 3 months I changed.

Sounds cliche and cheesy, but I did. I became a different person. I saw the world differently. I saw myself differently. I started acting differently. I started responding instead of reacting. I found a fire within, and I started doing everything I could to make it burn brighter. And it became more obvious as to what were the things that tried to put off the fire. And I started actively guarding the fire. Making sure nothing, nobody can do anything to it.

I will burn, and continue burning. Nothing can stop me.

Life felt new. I was scared of going back to the old ways. Scared of hanging in old settings and environment. Scared of the past coming to haunt me. But everyday, I started realising how impossible it was to go back to that life. My small attempts at going back were automatically rejected by my mind and body. Guess we’re a team now. An unstoppable team.

Mind. Body. Soul.

Becoming one.

It’s fucking brilliant.

 

So yes, the past one year has been significant. Maybe this does call for a celebration.

Happy birthday to me (:

Keep glitching! (: